Come Back When You Can
by Anlgsp
Summary: Lily Humphrey gives out an interview to the NYMagazine about a tragic event happened in her life recently. Rufly centric, obviously.
1. Chapter 1  Imagine Me Without You

**A.N.: I got inspired for this FF by a video a friend of mine, Suvi, made. I can't add the link here, unfortunately, but go search for "Supsi85 - It's all coming back to me now" on Youtube. She's like the greatest Rufly vidder on planet Earth, I highly recommend her videos to all of you guys. I hope you'll like this new story as much as I do. Reviews and feedbacks are much appreciated. A special thanks to Rashmika.**

"So Mrs. Humphrey, may we start?" The journalist asked holding a recorder in her hand.

"Yes." Lily Humphrey nodded still a little concerned about whether what she was about to do was a good idea or not.

"I'm sure your story will help many families that deal, or will have to deal, with such a tragic and traumatic event."

"That's the only reason I agreed to give out an interview about this. It is a delicate and private issue." She nodded in concurrence.

"Oh, don't worry. We're just interested in the medical aspect of your story, the personal side will be left out."

"Thank you." Lily attempted to smile, miserably failing.

"So, when did the accident happen?"

"Last year. For Thanksgiving's weekend, my husband decided to take me away on a little trip. He wanted to finally celebrate the ending of my house arrest period and he wanted to do it in a proper way. Rufus had never been the surprise maker kind of guy, I was the unpredictable one in the marriage, but he managed to organize the perfect romantic getaway."

"So it was all planned by your husband?"

"Yes, Rufus proved to be a great trip planner and I was very very surprised by how well he handled to keep it all a secret till the end. If only I knew what kind of surprise fate had for us, I would have never taken that plane that day." Lily sighed looking out of the window to the beautiful sunny day NYC was giving to its residents.

"I can imagine."

"Oh no, you can't. Nobody can imagine what my family and I had to go through." Lily shook her head while her mind went back to that cold November weekend…when it all had started.

"_Lil are you done yet?"Rufus called out from the bottom of the stairs._

"_5 minutes."I called back from the inside of my closet._

"_I gave you 5 minutes, about an hour ago. What are you doing in there?" Rufus' tone sounded annoyed._

"_I'm not done packing yet."I replied smiling while he entered our bedroom._

"_You gotta be kidding me. We're only going away for a weekend."Rufus sighed flopping onto our bed._

"_I know, but since someone is still refusing to tell me the destination of our getaway, I had to pack half of my closet." I asserted pulling a bunch of tank tops out of the closet._

"_Don't be such a pain! I told you it's going to be a pleasant surprise for you." Rufus smirked at me._

"_I don't have the slightest doubt about that, it would be all the more fun if I knew where we're heading off to, you know? I had to pack both bikinis and coats, do you realize that?"_

"_I do. Maybe you'll need both."Rufus loved to mess with my mind._

"_I highly doubt it. Just give me a tiny hint, please?"I almost begged him, desperately in need of information._

"_Nope."He chuckled irreverently._

"_I have a feeling those 5 minutes will be extended to 50 then."Teasing was also one of my favorite activities, not only his._

"_We are going to leave in less than an hour, so you better hurry if you don't want to miss our flight and leave all the fun to me."He said getting up from the bed._

"_So we're taking a plane? That's something at the very least."That meant we were not going to spend the weekend anywhere near NYC._

"_I'll wait for you downstairs." Rufus walked over to me and pecked me on the cheek. I smiled back at him and shook my head. I know I was acting annoyed, but I could not be more excited to get away with him for a couple of days and the unknown destination was getting me all the more excited. About 30min later I finally managed to get everything I thought was needed to be brought, packed. Once we got into the car Rufus commanded me to close my eyes and wrapped a blindfold around my head, ignoring my complaints and my groans. He sounded so amused, something that irritated me to death. I barely spoke to him throughout our ride. His mission was to take me on the plane without me figuring out where our plane was directed to and I hate to admit his mission was fully accomplished. I got my sight back only after I heard the pilot voice welcoming us on board. Rufus had been clearly organizing the trip for weeks, because when I opened my eyes I found our private jet's windows blacked out and even when I tried to corrupt one of the crew members to fill me in about where we were directed, he stayed dumb. As unbelievable as it sounded at the time, Rufus really pulled off one hell of a mysterious getaway. When we landed it was finally clear to me where we were, a huge sign was hanging on the airport entrance "Welcome to Aspen, Colorado". I had such an amazing view in front of my eyes with all those white mountains framing the scenery, it was so picturesque. I've never been very fond of low temperatures and cold weather, but I wasn't aware of what Rufus had up his sleeve for our weekend. "I guess I won't be using my flip-flops after all." I laughed turning to face Rufus._

"_No, but I'd love to see you skiing in that white bikini you packed." Rufus moved his eyebrow up and down with a smirk on his face._

"_Such a smart idea to pack a white bikini, it will perfectly match the blue shade of my skin once I'll be up there skiing." I played along before leaning forward and kissing him on the lips._

"_There's plenty of saunas and thermal baths around here, don't worry." Rufus smiled at me and took my hand into his, while he led me to the waiting car just outside the airport. I had no clue about what an amazing weekend he had planned back then. Rufus had rented a beautiful cabin with everything we needed in and more. The first thing I noticed when I walked in was the huge fireplace in the middle of the room, already lit up, filling the dark of the place with its sparkles. Two glasses full with champagne were waiting for us on the small table right before it. I was quite amazed by Rufus' ability to put all of that together. I had a feeling that would be the most romantic getaway of our life and the fireplace's sparkles reflecting through the windows on the white expanse outside, were surely making that feeling a certainty. "Rufus."I exiled putting my left hand on my chest. "This is….God I'll never want to get out of here, you do understand that, right?" I turned around and grinned at him._

"_I'm glad you like it."Rufus smiled contently._

"_I love it my darling." I walked towards him and wrapped my arms around his waist. I looked into his beautiful green eyes and, inadvertently, my lips crushed against his. As our mouths moved in unison, our eyes locked. And that was it. Rufus lifted me up, placing one arm around my hips and carried me to the couch. As soon as he pushed me with fury down onto it my hands started to wander his body recklessly, I didn't know which piece of clothes to start off first with to have him undressed in the shortest amount of time. Rufus surely knew where to start from, I found myself pantsless and shoeless literally in the blink of an eye. He was so passionate and so lost in lust, as always. It's incredible how his desire for me never decreased, not once during all these years. His heavy breath on my neck while his hands where working on taking my panties off, gave me goosebumps. I slid his coat off his shoulder and moved my hands to the bottom of his shirt to start unbuttoning it. Rufus didn't make it easy for me though, his kisses along my neck where clearly making me lose the ability to do so, or to do anything whatsoever. My husband knew I was losing it, so he wisely undressed himself after he took my underwear off. I was getting nowhere with my shaky hands and loud moans anyway. He then helped me to get rid of my coat and sweater throwing them all the way across the room. I laughed at his eagerness, but that didn't bother him at all. He took me by surprise and veraciously crushed his mouth against mine, our tongues intertwined, his hand strongly wrapped around the back of my neck, keeping my head in position. His short scruffy beard was literally scratching the skin on my face, I've always loved that roughly burning sensation, It made me feel possessed by my man, the true object of his affection. While he was kissing me hungrily, as the world was going to end any minute, I parted my knees and pushed him down on me with my leg. He kneeled between my legs and wrapped them around his hips. I knew what he was about to do next and my hips spoke for myself when instinctively I moved them upwards, giving him the okay he was waiting for. He entered me with a deep strong thrust, equally painful and deliriously pleasant. Rufus started to move inside of me. I tightened the grip around his hips and moaned against his lips. My breath's rate was already increased. I sucked in all the air that I needed and brought my lips to his again. Rufus kissed me back, this time with less intensity, he was focusing on something else and he was doing so very good. I broke the kiss and lowered my eyes on his lips, if there was something I would have killed for, that was his lips. So perfectly shaped, so full. I Brought my head up to kiss him again but he pushed me down with a lustful smirk on his face. I bit my lip, If I knew him enough, I surely had an idea of what he was about to do. I felt his arm under my back as his movements stopped. I arched my back and positioned one hand on his shoulder for support. Rufus looked down on me and sighed. "You are so beautiful Lil". Those words didn't melt my heart, they didn't put me in a awe mode, they just made me desire him more than words could ever tell. "Rufus…" I moaned as I felt him thrusting in and out of me over again. I felt his hand sliding inside my bra and cupping my left breast. I closed my eyes, enjoying that vibrant wave of pleasure running up my spine. Rufus' penetrations became deeper and faster and He started to hit just the right spot. He knew my body better than anyone else, better than my own self almost certainly. I screamed his name one time, two times, three times arching my back even further. Rufus strong arms helped me uphold that position. The more I was feeling him moving inside of me, with such command, with such a force, the closer I was getting to my orgasm. I opened my eyes and looked up at him, my chest pounding under his hand. I observed his muscles, so tense, so perfectly bent in shape. His sweaty chest moving up and down as he couldn't get enough air to keep up with his pace, his hips thrusting back and forth like every single push was the last one he was capable of and then I looked up to his face, a "fuck" escaped his opened mouth as beads were framing his forehead and slowly running down his face, hitting the warm skin of my stomach. I closed my eyes again, I felt him so deep inside of me that I shivered and managed to keep my balance lifting up my shoulders a little more. I couldn't help but moan loudly at that point. One last firm thrust and I lost the perception of my body, as the perception of anything else. My mind was cleared out of any kind of thought, my breath stopped and my heartbeat fastened up. My right leg fell on the couch and in that moment I heard a muffled "Oh my God" and felt my husband reached his peak as well. I passed my hand through his hair and rested it on his cheek. Rufus tried to catch his breath for a moment and then laid down on me, slowly and caringly pushing my back down on the couch again. I wrapped my arms around his shoulders and pecked him on the lips before he rested his forehead on my chest. "Oh my God. You are…." My mind went totally blind. Endorphins definitely took over my capacity to put together a sentence._

"_Aw, thank you very much. I'm flattered."Rufus joked and pecked me in the valley of my breasts._

"_Shut up! I cannot think straight right now."I tried to catch my breath and finally opened my eyes. And there he was with his glossy eyes and his rugged lips, looking up at me as if he had a goddess in front of his eyes. And with Rufus it had always been like that, he always made me feel like I was the only girl in the world. _

"_I bet." Rufus moved closer and bit my lower lips, before sucking at it. I groaned and started to kiss him, using his mouth as my own lung, breathing in his essence. "I love you so much Lil."Rufus pulled back breathless caressing my head._

"_I love you too. And I would love you even more if you'd hand me that glass of champagne. You made me thirsty."I smirked at him and bit my own lip._

"_Here you go." Rufus smirked back and then spilled all the liquid on my face. _

"_Rufus!" I groaned in annoyance, but my tiresomeness lasted for less than a second. He started to lick all the champagne off my face in slow motion. "What are you doing?" I chuckled, clearly enjoying his move. _

"_I am thirsty too." He answered nonetheless._

"_Aw…you're thirsty honey?" I faked a pout, before leaning forward and biting him on the shoulder._

"_Lily!" Rufus almost screamed in pain._

"_What can I say? I was hungry." I laughed and pushed him down to kiss him as deeply as I was able to, to give him an evident signal I was in the mood for more._

"_This couch is not the most comfortable thing. I say we move it to the bedroom."Rufus purred into my ear and then got off of me._

"_Only if you carry me." I smirked provocatively._

"_Sure. I need your legs to be in full action for what I have in mind." If there was something my husband was good at, it was definitely keeping us away from the bore of routine._

"_Rufus Humphrey what's on your dirty little mind?"_

"_Something you'll thank me for later."He sighed blissfully._

"_Why do I feel it will turn out to be the other way around?" I rolled my eyes amused._

"_Hop up, come on." Rufus encouraged me, turning his back to me. I briefly peeked at his mannish body and wrapped my arms around his neck and hopped on his back. His arms instantly gripped around my thighs as he carried me towards the bedroom._

_The rest of the afternoon was spent in a very comfortable bed, practicing not very comfortable positions and giving ourselves a great time. Rufus and I worked undoubtedly perfect together, we were well brought up to scratch. And after all that time, for a couple of our age, feeling the need and the desire to be together, as recklessly and wildly as we were teens, was kind of an achievement. Rufus was like a kaleidoscope of emotions to me, tender and strong, innocent and at the same time sinful. Feelings a person should never experience in order to not let his life lean on it. After wearing my husband off I decided to give him a, more than deserved, back massage. "What time is it?" Rufus asked while I was straddling him and massaging his back._

"_I have no idea. Does it really matter? We have all the time in the world." I leaned down and lightly kissed him on the temple._

"_Not really. We have dinner reservations."He mumbled whilst my hand was massaging one side of his neck and my lips were sucking on the skin on the other side._

"_Eating is so overrated." I moaned against his heady skin._

"_No, come on. I planned everything in every little detail, we have to go now."_

"_Fine." I sighed and climbed off of him. Rufus got up and turned around, only to see me laid on my back, no clothes on, giving him a licentious smirk._

"_Okay, a quickie won't kill anybody." He gave in and jumped back on the king size bed we already were very fond of. _

_Later that night Rufus took me to an extravagant restaurant, where we had a wonderful time, talking and laughing and eating a lot, let alone the two bottles of red wine we ordered for the table._

"_You surely know how to treat a woman." I smiled at Rufus intertwining my finger with his from across the table while our dinner was getting close to its end._

"_As they say….practice makes perfect." He chuckled._

"_Get your head out of the gutter Humphrey." I laughed and slapped his hand._

"_Jokes aside, You've been locked up for a long time, this is the least I could do for you. It took me a little bit to get it the way I wanted it to be, but I made it in the end."_

"_And what did you want?" I asked intriguingly._

"_Not going to spoil any surprise for you."Rufus got up from the table and held his hand out to help me get up._

"_More surprises? I thought you played all your aces earlier in the bedroom." I grinned at him and wrapped one arm around his neck._

"_You wish!" He snapped and quickly pecked me on the lips._

"_I do not, believe me." I winked at him, taking his hand into mine. When we headed out the restaurant Rufus and I went for a walk, it was a cold night, but it didn't really bother me. Rufus and I were having such a great time, I wouldn't have let that bother me in any way. "Where are we going?" I asked when we started to walk towards what it seemed a very dark, off the beaten track zone._

"_It's a surprise."Rufus squeezed my hand._

"_Right."I nodded feverishly._

"_I hope you're not cold."Rufus grinned at me._

"_Why?"I asked hoping his next surprise wouldn't have required me to take any clothes off, as I was already freezing. My choice of dress was not very wise for those Colorado's temperatures._

"_Because we're going to have a late night sleigh ride." Rufus answered when we turned the corner._

"_You must be…" My mouth dropped open as I saw a beautiful red sleigh with 4 sled dogs on the front waiting for us on the snow. "kidding." I finished my sentence still unbelievably amazed._

"_Let's go." Rufus led us to the sleigh and helped me climbing on it, trying not to let me slide on the snow. I sat on the sleigh and said hello to the sled dogs instructor, while Rufus took a big brown blanket and put it down on our laps. "You thought of everything I must say." I smiled at him._

"_Yep. Everything. Exactly." He nodded towards a butler, who appeared out of nowhere, coming up to us with a tray. A chocolate cake emerged in front of my eyes with two spoons on each side of it._

"_Rufus!" I gasped shocked. "Where did you? How?" I don't know how he managed to make all of that happen or to even think of such a romantic gesture._

"_I have my connections." He stroke my cheek with his palm and then kissed me hard on the lips._

"_I am at a loss of words." I said breaking the kiss. Rufus took the tray the butler was passing him and tipped him. Then he took a bottle of champagne and two flute glasses from under our seats and opened it. "Honey…."_

"_Hold the glasses."He interrupted me. I did as told and looked at him, ecstatic._

"_I have to warn you I'm already dizzy from all the wine at dinner."Rufus poured some champagne into our glass and then put the bottle down._

"_Good. Then we're going just right to my schedule."He had such a smooth criminal grin on his face._

"_Your schedule?"I asked handing him one of the glasses._

"_Yes. Step 5: Get her drunk to take her to bed with you."I laughed and lightly hit him._

"_Like that was ever necessary."He laughed along and fed me some cake._

"_This is so good!"I mumbled with my mouth still full._

"_I know how much you love chocolate."Rufus brought his face closer to mine and kissed me on the lips, licking some of the frosting from the corner of my mouth._

"_You know a thing or two about my guilty pleasures." I licked my lips and fed him some cake as well. He had barely swallowed when I gave him a long, deep kiss while our sleigh started to move off._

"_Shall we make a toast?"Rufus proposed raising his glass up._

"_To?"_

"_Just to us. To our happiness. To our life together."He simply stated, with a sparkle in his eyes that could have lighten up the entire town._

"_Cheers."I smiled at him, looking deeply into his eyes._

"_Cheers."Our glasses clinked and our hands unfolded each other. We drank our champagne and cuddle under the blanket for the entire ride. The sleigh ride had been such a romantic idea. The Snow surrounding us, the absolute silence softly falling on us and my husband's strong arms wrapped around my waist to warm me up, to wish for more would have been absolutely outrageous. His cologne filled up the air that I breathed when I lifted my head up and kissed his jaw. "Rufus, this is just beautiful."_

"_I'm happy you like it."He tightened the hold around my waist and kissed my forehead._

"_Thank you."As all the good things, our ride also came to an end. It lasted less than I expected it, or maybe I enjoyed it so much that time flew by unperceived. Either way, our night was not over yet. I don't have any vivid memory of the rest of the evening, I suppose that's when all the wine and the champagne started to show their effects on me. The only thing I remember is Rufus and I going back to our hold habits. "Hey watch out!" Rufus warned me uselessly. I fell on the slippery ground with a loud tumble. "Are you okay?"He ran by my side._

"_I am now." I pushed him down on me and kissed him careless of the cold snow against my back._

"_You are so drunk."Rufus moaned against my lips._

"_I am not."I replied laughing. _

"_Ok, at my 3 we get up, okay?"Rufus passed his arm around my waist and lifted my back up a little while pressing my chest against his._

"_Why counting to 3? Why do people always count to 3 and not to 5 for instance?"I blurted._

"_Gosh, you're gone."Rufus chuckled and set ourselves upright._

"_Stop it, Rufus." I laughed losing my balance again._

"_I have to carry you on my back to our cabin, don't I?"Rufus took me by the arm just in time._

"_No, I'm perfectly clear-headed and capable of staying on my own two." I got loose of his grip._

"_Let's see if you're lucid enough for the next part of our evening then."He defied me._

"_Evening? It's past midnight Rufus."_

"_Come with me."His sensual voice was perceived like a whisper by my ears._

"_Where are you taking me, now?"I whispered into his ear while my hand was wandering on his chest._

"_Aren't I the lead singer of a popular rock band?"He asked wrapping his arm around my shoulder._

"_Former lead singer. Former popular. And please notice my kindness in not using the adjective 'old' for both." I Teased him._

"_Hush! And you are a groupie so I thought…."_

"_If by groupie you mean elegant, classy, flawless woman, then I have to agree with you."I cut him off and brushed my lips against his._

"_That's exactly what I meant." He kissed me back."And to honor your classiness I say we get inked tonight."_

"_What? You are kidding now, aren't you?" I took a step back and looked at him in shock, which was partially to be attributed to my drunk status._

"_Come on, we're drunk and wild enough to take this stake."Rufus encouraged me._

"_No, you're crazy enough to have planned all of this beforehand Rufus."Rufus' trip was getting more exciting with the passing of every minute._

"_I can get your name inked on my skin with or without your approval."He walked closer to me and took me in his arms._

"_My name? So that was your idea?"I managed to say while his mouth was dangerously close to mine, forcing me to lose the center of my thoughts._

"_Right on my ring finger." He pecked me on the lips. "Underneath our wedding ring." He kissed me again, for a little longer this time, so that I could actually join him into it. "Come on Lil, let's jump into this, just like when we were kids."He was as thrilled as a little kid in a toys shop, he didn't really need to beg me._

"_That's sweet, utterly insane, but sweet indeed."_

"_Are you saying yes?" His eyes widened in amazement._

"_I say yes, but on one condition. We'll get the just our initials tattooed."He should have seen a counter-offer coming._

"_Not the whole name? That could be confusing."_

"_As those letters could mean something else than Rufus and Lily to the two of us." An undeniable truth was just told._

"_I agree. Then our initials it will be."Rufus concurred with me and kissed my cheek._

"_I cannot believe I'm getting a tattoo at 43."I cried excited while we started to walk again._

"_I hope you won't get it removed too one day." Rufus joked._

"_I didn't have my little heart removed, I'm surprised you don't remember it…taken where it is placed." We looked at each other and burst into a laughter._

"_I still remember the day I drew it on your thigh, never thought you would get a tattoo as you claimed."My husband caressed my arm._

"_Yeah."I smiled and rested my head on his shoulder._

"_Let's just hope you won't cry like a baby tonight too."Rufus never let go on that particular subject. He made fun of me on that day and kept doing so for the years to come._

"_It was my first, you know it. It hurt a lot."I pouted, even if, in complete honesty, that must had been fun for him to witness._

"_Yeah…whatever."I cupped his face with my hand and kissed him long and sweet. "Let's go now, they're staying open late just for us."Rufus smiled down at me and I lost myself into his eyes as I was 19 years old all over again._

"Msr. Humphrey?" The journalist took Lily's mind back to their conversation.

"Yes, sorry." The woman politely apologized.

"When did the accident exactly happen?" The question was asked once more.

"On the second day of our weekend." Lily looked down and sighed.

"Would you please tell me the dynamic of the accident?" The journalist gently insisted.

"Uhm…yes." Lily nodded reluctantly.

"If it's too much for you..."

"Oh believe me, recalling that day will never be as painful as living it was. The world crashed down on me." Lily cut her off, remarking the journey she had to go through was not even nearly close to anybody's imagination.

"I can understand losing…." The journalist tried to show her unappreciated support one more time, but again she was interrupted.

"It was more than just that. I lost him."

**TBC**


	2. Chapter 2 Welcome To My Truth

**A.N.: It took me awhile to actually write it down and upload it. But I finally made it. I forgot to clarify in the first chapter, every chapter of this FF is named after a song that inspired me or has something to do with the subject of the chapter itself. So "Welcome To My Truth" is a song by Anastacia and for the previous chapter the song was "Imagine me without you" by Jaci Velasquez. Hope you enjoy your reading. xoxo **

The journalist took a sip of her coffee and then asked again: "We were saying…the day of the accident…."

"Yes." Lily nodded trying to focus again on her interviewer.

"Whose idea was it to go skiing?"

"Rufus'." Lily smiled going back with her mind to that cold November morning.

"_Oh my God my head is till throbbing after last night. How much did we drink honey?" I asked coming out of the bathroom. I was feeling kind of sick, even after taking a long warm bath and after drinking two strong black coffees._

"_I have no idea. I guess a lot, judging from our hangovers."Rufus said putting on his sweater._

"_I don't even remember how I got here." I chuckled while I was brushing my hair in front of the mirror._

"_I am pretty sure I carried you, my back is sore."Rufus walked over to me and pecked my cheek._

"_Aw, my baby is such a strong man! Did you at least take advantage of me?"I turned around and rested my hand on his chest._

"_Nope, I was so sleepy I passed out before I could."Rufus shook his head with a disappointed expression._

"_Next time, then."I smiled at him and brushed my lips against his._

"_Yeah, next time I'll make sure you will get raped while drunk, don't worry."His hand rested on my lower back and he gently pulled me forward, taking me in for another kiss._

"_So what does your agenda say we do today?" I asked after our brief make out session. "Will we get our belly buttons pierced?" I laughed and looked down at his ring finger, still wrapped in a bandage._

"_There you go. You ruined the special day I had organized for us."Rufus joked along._

"_It's a shame I won't be able to put my rings on for a couple of days though."I pouted looking at my finger, bandaged as well._

"_I'll make it clear to everybody we're kind of serious here, okay?" Rufus leaned forward and kissed my neck rubbing my back with his hand._

"_Nobody stands a chance against you anyway."I closed my eyes enjoying his soft pecks on my skin._

"_Say that again."Rufus mumbled between kisses. I smiled and wrapped my hands around his neck. Rufus' mouth moved from my neck to my lips. As our tongues tangled, our hands started to roam each other's body. "Ok, let's get out of here, before I lock us in this bedroom like yesterday afternoon." Rufus broke the kiss getting a pout in return and took my hand into his. "I'll take you skiing today."_

"_Oh, then I should really change my outfit. I didn't put my white bikini on."I smirked while he was leading me out._

"_Don't you dare."Rufus turned his head around and gave me one of his jealous looks._

"_Okay, fine. I'll simply go commando."This time he stopped moving and turned around._

"_You did enjoy your house arrest period, didn't you? Because that's what I'm going to give you at the next joke of yours."He shot back with a raising smile._

"_I am a little nostalgic of my house arrest period I have to admit."I licked my lips as he moved closer to me._

"_What do I have to do with you?"We locked eyes for a couple of seconds, our faces were so close our nosed were touching a little. I was smitten with him as if I was still 19 years old. My hand gently stroke his cheek and then rested on his neck, I gave him a big smile and kissed him hungrily right after. It was amazing how capable he was of making me feel butterflies in my stomach. If I had to picture the man of my dreams, he surely would be the spitting image of my husband. The way he looked at me, the sensation of safety I got from his embrace, the warmth of my body everytime he was around…I could not feel more blessed to be able to see him first thing in the morning and last thing at night. I lifted myself up on my toes and kissed him more deeply, thankful to him, just for being himself. He kissed me back with equal passion, tangling his hand in my hair. That sparkle between us never faded away, not once in all those years. Later we finally managed to get off each other and actually start our day. We decided to take a romantic walk downtown. I wanted to see some of the shops and do a little shopping before going to ski. Rufus could not say no to me, so he quickly gave in to my request. As we were walking, his arm pressed around my neck and his hand interlaced with mine, I spotted an icerink. "Can we do a little detour?"I turned my face around and looked at him with puppy eyes._

"_Another detour you mean."Rufus rolled his eyes, I was definitely putting his patience to test, he wanted to go skiing already._

"_I want to iceskate."I grinned at him with a weird high squeaky tone._

"_Lily…" Rufus sighed looking over the icerank. "That's not really my thing."He shook his head firmly._

"_It should be fun then."I wrapped both my arms around his waist and lightly pecked him on the lips._

"_I don't know how to iceskate Lil, please."Rufus begged me whilst I was pulling him towards the icerank by the arm._

"_I say you give it a try, if you find it too hard to handle you can always sit there and watch me."I shrugged pointing at a bench a few feet from the rank._

"_Then I'll just go sit over there right now."Rufus started walking in its direction dragging me, still glued to his arm, behind him. God, he was strong._

"_No, you come with me. Please love, please please please please please please please."I tried to tire my adversary out._

"_Ok, stop it."Rufus groaned in exhaustion._

"_Thank you."I giggled, happy to have accomplished my mission._

"_What if I break something? This doesn't look like a safe sport."Rufus rested his hands on my hips and lightly moved them up and down my sides._

"_This is not an extreme sport. It's iceskating Rufus. Stop acting like a child and go rent two pairs of iceskates already."I lightly slapped his arm, before pulling him in for a kiss._

"_Fine."He groaned again and kissed me back._

_Once we had put our skates on, I have to admit my husband was not that wrong about iceskating not being his thing. He fell hundreds of times and I, rather than iceskating, ended up scooping him up from the cold floor every two minutes more or less. "Ouch."Rufus cried resting his hand on his elbow, who he just hit the floor hard with, while falling down….once again._

"_You are such an hopeless case. You will never learn."I laughed at him shaking my head._

"_Do you consider yourself a good instructor? Breaking news: babe you are not!" He shot back with, his ego was clearly hurt at this point._

"_Take it back or you're going to stay on that cold pavement for the rest of the day."I warned him threateningly._

"_I take it back, I take it back."Rufus held his hand up to me in sign of surrender. I grabbed it and helped him up._

"_Good boy." I cupped his face with my hands and kissed him gently. "Ok, I think it was enough for today for you. We can go back to your plan and go skiing now."I stated feeling a little guilty for putting Rufus through it. He surely wasn't having the time of his life and as fun as it was to me, to see him so clumsy, he was really getting embarrassed._

"_Thank God!"Rufus cried excited._

"_Admit it was fun at least."I said wrapping my arm around his waist to give him balance._

"_Okay, It was. A little."Rufus gave in._

"_I knew it!" I said with a chuckle._

"_But that's just because I over enjoy everything involving you."He looked down at me and rested his elbows on my shoulders, as his hands started to run through my hair tenderly._

"_Do I have to read between the lines and laugh at your dirty joke?" I smirked at him wrapping both my arms around his waist now._

"_No." Rufus pulled back. "I was just trying to say something nice and create a sweet moment, which my wife totally wiped out." I smiled content at him and then took his face into my hands and pulled it down onto me, kissing him with fury. "Or not."Rufus licked his lips after I broke the kiss._

"_Move! People iceskate here, they don't make out! Get a room you two!" A man passed by us screaming._

"_Shut up!"Rufus yelled back as he passed his arm around my shoulder._

"_Oh my God, that was embarrassing. Let's go." I covered my face with my hands._

"_He was just jealous that I have such a bombshell by my side."Rufus said with a proud tone and lightly groped me._

"_Yeah." I chuckled. "I love you."As we kissed one more time, I felt like nothing could ever ruin the happiness we finally reached. We were in a place in which no more secrets, no more scandals and no more drama could separate us._

"_And I love you. I don't know where I would be without you Lil."He looked into my eyes, so deeply, I felt he was reading my mind through them. It was so easy to get lost into him, after all that time, I couldn't help but eclipse myself and focus on him and him only when he was by my side._

"_Luckily you don't need to know it." Rufus nodded and kissed my forehead, holding me tight. I rested my head on his chest and inhaled his cologne, feeling more loved that I could ever wish for. I meant the words I said to him, I truly believed he would never experience what life would be without me and so did I. Not even in a million years would I have believed what happened to us, could really happen to us. And now, looking back to that day, to the happiness scattering through our huge smiles, I know why. We had each other, there was him and there was me, nothing else in the world mattered to us. 'Us'…one syllable that I'd never thought likely to miss so much to pronounce. After a quick lunch we finally made our way to the trail. Rufus was good enough at this he didn't need an instructor, but I, on the other hand, didn't feel very comfortable skiing all by myself since the last time I skied Eric was still in middle school._

" _So, you ready for your skiing lesson?"Rufus asked me thrilled._

"_Are you sure you don't want to take one too Rufus?" I asked back, buttoning his ski jacket ._

"_I know what I'm doing."He reassured me._

"_Yes, but you haven't skied in a while darling."I replied obstinately. I knew he had no need to be taught how to ski, but I selfishly wanted to spend with him as much time as possible. Since he became a producer, he wasn't often at home. I missed spending every hour of the day with him, but I was conscious spending all that time together was not healthy for our relationship either. Truth is I got used to it and when he started working I began to miss him. I was not to blame if I wanted a weekend all for us, for once. Then again, Rufus seemed so excited to go skiing, I didn't want to let him down. So I halfheartedly agreed to us skiing disjointedly._

"_I know how to ski Lily."Rufus chuckled and pecked my cheek._

"_If you say so."I gave up._

"_I'll see you down there then, try not to kill yourself or your teacher."He joked putting his skiing sunglasses on._

"_Maybe I'll hit on him, he's cute enough." I nodded towards Alex, my instructor who was a couple of feet away from us._

"_You wouldn't." Rufus shook his head and grabbed me by my hips._

"_Why so sure?" I asked with a seductive tone, biting my lower lip._

"_Because you're head over heels for me. " He answered genuinely. I couldn't help but crush my lips against his. I'd never imagined that kiss would have sealed our goodbye and if only I knew, back then, I would have never parted my lips from his._

"_Go now…I'll see you in a bit."I broke the kiss and smiled at him while he moved away._

"_Be careful babe."He turned around and blew a kiss to me._

"_I will, I promise."I grinned at him and bent down to fasten my skis._

"_hey…."_

"_What?"I lifted my head up and looked at him._

"_I can't wait to get you into that little sauna we have in the cabin. Be prepared." I chuckled a little and he smiled at my delight._

"_Looking forward to it."I winked at him._

"_I love this woman!"Rufus screamed at the top of his voice. Then He turned around and skied away. I smiled and shook my head, watching him disappear through the crowded trail._

"So, you went skiing." The journalist said, a little annoyed by Lily's disregard.

"Yes." Lily nodded. "I had my own instructor and Rufus decided to go down on his own."

"Was he a good skier?" The question was the most logical to ask.

"Yes, absolutely." Lily Humphrey replied coldly, a little unsettled by the question.

"So you weren't expecting something like that to happen to him?"

"No, he knew how to ski. It was an accident caused by someone else." Lily stated firmly, she obviously was remarking what happened was unforeseeable.

"How did it happen?" The journalist asked straightly.

"I was with my instructor and…." Lily let a sigh out and looked down.

"_So, Now you move your right leg like this and reduce your speed a little bit." Alex told me showing me how to position my leg._

"_Got it. So, I just have to move my leg to the…." I tried to emulate him, but then I noticed he wasn't paying any attention to me. "what?" I asked a little annoyed by his lack of professionalism._

"_Wait here. Don't move. It seems like there's been an accident." He pointed at a spot, down the hill._

"_Oh God, okay." I nodded thoughtfully._

"_Jeez someone got hurt. Look there's a helicopter coming."I turned around and saw a helicopter touching down on the white trail. Hundreds of thoughts crossed my mind, Rufus went down just a couple of minutes before we did, I wanted to find him, to make sure he was okay. Although There were so many people skiing down that trail that Saturday, what could the odds be it was really my husband who got injured?_

"_Can we go down there?" I was positive Rufus was more than fine, but I just kept on hearing a voice inside my head telling me to make sure he was not involved in the accident._

"_Excuse me?" Alex looked perplexed._

"_My husband went down right before we did. I need to make sure he's okay." I knew I was acting a little paranoid, but I just wanted to find him and reassure myself. Lots of people were running towards the helicopter and they all looked so concerned, It was getting me anxious._

"_Right, let's get closer then." He nodded and took my hand into his, guiding me there._

"And?" The journalist looked at Lily, waiting for an answer.

"And he noticed something happened, because a helicopter was coming over. So we went there to see what was going on. Many people were surrounding the paramedics, I couldn't actually see who was laying on the ground. I recognized my husband when the paramedics lifted the litter up and started moving towards the helicopter. After that…it all goes black. I think I erased that from my mind. The next thing I know is I was in the hospital talking with many different doctors." Lily lied while her mind went back to those moments, which were inked in her memory, as branded with an iron.

"_RUFUS!"I screamed in a total shock when I identified the man on the litter as my husband._

"_Ma'am you are?"A paramedic asked me coming closer to me._

"_This is my husband. I am his wife….Oh my God Rufus!"I tried to move, but my skis were blocking me, so I took them off recklessly._

"_You're coming with us."The paramedic put an arm around my waist and guided me through the many people watching at the scene._

"_Rufus! Oh my God Rufus!"I cried as soon as I got close enough to him. He was unconscious, but didn't look injured. "Rufus! What the hell happened? What happened to him?" I screamed turning to face the paramedic._

"_We don't know what happened ma'am. Please calm down."_

"_Rufus….Rufus…."I took his hand into mine and shook it, but he didn't wake up. I tightened the hold around it and closed my eyes, hoping that everything would turn out to be just fine._

"Don't you remember any details?" The journalist was hungry for scoops or who knows what, but for nothing in the world, Lily would have let her speculate about something involving her family.

"I remember me screaming. His body lying unconscious on a litter and me jumping on the helicopter. I was literally terrorized. Once we got to the hospital doctors took him away." Lily explained.

"So, you went to the hospital with him." The journalist took an ipad out of her handbag.

"Yes." Lily replied trying to sound gentle.

"What did they do to him during the ride?" The journalist asked typing something on her ipad.

"Routine tests. Nothing special. The ride didn't last long anyway."

"Was he bleeding or something?"

"No, not at all. He was just unconscious." Lily shook her head.

"Then what happened at the hospital?" The journalist questions were coming at a high speed.

"I waited in the hallway for a very long time, at least that's what it seemed like to me. I then called my family and asked my daughter and Rufus' son to come over to Colorado. Doctors were telling me nothing and I was going insane. That waiting was excruciating." Lily took a mug from the table and sipped some coffee.

"Of course." The journalist attempted to smile.

"After a few hours a doctor came up to me. He said my husband had a broken knee and a concussion." Lily started narrating again.

"A concussion?" The journalist inquired, baffled, while looking down on her ipad.

"Yes, a minor head trauma. They put him into an induced coma in order to avoid any further trauma on him when they had to operate on his broken knee." Lily explained further.

"How did he get that concussion?" Apparently the journalist was not very familiar with medical expressions.

"He simply hit his head on the ground. Doctors said it already was a miracle he didn't get any brain bleeding. Wearing the helmet saved his life." Lily sighed in relief thinking about how much worse things could have gone.

"When did you see him? After the surgery?" The journalist put her ipad down on the table.

"24 hours later. They asked me to wait for him to wake up before letting me in."

"And the day after, you finally had the opportunity to meet him?" Lily Humphrey nodded in response. "Would you like to…?"

"Yes…." The journalist got interrupted. She swallowed and looked into her interviewer's eyes while she recalled one of the worst days of her entire life.

"_Mom?" I was taken aback when I heard my daughter's voice. I looked up at her and wiped the tears from my eyes._

"_Oh God! Serena! Dan!" I stood up and hugged my daughter tightly._

"_I'm so sorry for what happened to Rufus."Serena said rubbing my arm. I could read it in her eyes, she got scared for her stepfather just like the rest of us. After all that happened, she was more accustomed to Rufus than she would ever admit._

"_Lily." Dan gave me a hug too. By the look on his face the poor boy didn't get much sleep in the past hours and neither did I to be honest._

"_They should let us in to see him soon." I smiled trying to reassure them._

"_How did this happen?" Serena asked with concern._

"_Apparently someone cut across his path. He was skiing very fast and I don't know. He fell and hit his head hard and broke one knee, this is all they told me. I wasn't with him at the moment."I told them everything I was told about the dynamic of the accident._

"_Gosh…do they know who cut him off?" Serena asked again._

"_No. They said these kind of things happen all the time and that Rufus was going too fast anyway." I clarified._

"_Bullshit!" Dan exclaimed hitting the wall with his palm._

"_Dan, calm down. I'm sure we have nothing to worry about. Let's figure out a way to bring him home as soon as possible instead." Serena rested her hand on his shoulder and gently gave it squeeze._

"_We can have Bass Industries' jet whenever we want, Charles will provide for it." Chuck had already called me to let me know I had his full support, on everything._

"_Okay, good."Serena faked a smile and nodded. We waited for a couple of hours more. Dan was getting more anxious with every minute and that was literally driving me insane. His attitude was hitting on my nerves maybe more than the waiting itself._

"_Mrs. Humphrey?"Rufus doctor came up to me at last._

"_Doctor Johansson finally! Is he awake? Can we see him?" I asked without taking a breath._

"_Yes, he is awake, but something we didn't foresee happened." The doctor's expression was half concerned, half sad. I felt a shiver sliding through my body._

"_What? What happened now?"Dan faced the doctor, Serena holding his hand to calm him down._

"_I'm sorry, you are?"_

"_He is Daniel Humphrey. My stepson. And she's my daughter Serena."I butted in, introducing the kids to the doctor._

"_Unfortunately the head injury caused some PCS."The doctor continued._

"_PCS?"Serena asked confused._

"_Post-concussion Syndrome."_

"_I am not following you here."Dan echoed his stepsister._

"_Your father is basically dealing with a shell shock. Which, in his case, led to a temporary loss of memory." The doctor stated. My jaw dropped and no sound came out of my mouth. I was now having a shock, the words 'loss of memory' were beating in my mind like a drum._

"_I'm sorry…what?"Dan was just as stunned as I was. We could not believe to what the doctor was saying._

"_Rufus has partially lost his memory. He knows who he is, he has very vivid memories of his childhood, but after that everything is very blurry to him. This could last a couple of days, a couple of months or even more. I can assure you though that he will get his memory back." The doctor made the effort to give us hope, but he was clearly failing by the look on our faces. We were all too stunned to find out he partially lost his memory to center on the possible improvements he could face within days, weeks or months._

"_My father lost his memory? Is this some kind of joke?"Dan asked with an irritated and somehow worried tone._

"_No, Mr. Humphrey." Dr. Johansson answered a little annoyed by Dan's attitude himself. _

"_How did he….? Why?" I finally managed to put some words together in a sentence, failing to make any sense though._

"_Things like this can happen. It's temporary, he will get it back, trust me." The doctor said, supposing to be comforting us this way._

"_Yes, but when? What are we supposed to do in the meantime?" Dan's question was more than appropriate, he got the hub of the matter….what were 'we' supposed to do?_

"_Just stay around him, once he will be back home everything could just come back to him."_

"_He doesn't remember anything?"I asked, almost frightened to listen to the answer._

"_He remembers his childhood very well, as for the rest I don't know. You should ask him questions and see for his answers. You will have to help us in that sense."Doctor Johansson had a point, only we could help Rufus realize how much of his past he had forgotten._

"_Sure thing."Dan nodded._

"_Want to meet him? I mean, do you feel ready? He might not recognize any of you."Just the thought of that was making me feel nauseous, but the need to see my husband was stronger than anything else, even fear._

"_Yes, I mean….he will recognize us. You'll see."Dan seemed pretty confident, I wish I was too._

"_Yeah, he would never forget about his son or my mom. It's against all odds."Serena moved her arm around my shoulder and smiled at me._

"_I wouldn't be so hopeful Miss."The doctor swiftly turned her down._

"_Please, just take us to his room. I need to see him."I cut them off. All that mattered to me was that Rufus was alive, and not heavily injured. I had the uncontrollable need to see him, to look at him and let him calm me down just with a glance, as he used to do. To keep talking about possible implications and future consequences was not what I wanted right now. Memory loss or not, I had to see him before focusing my attention on what would happen next._

"_Just in case he doesn't recognize any of you right away, don't ask him too many questions, don't put any pressure on him. It could scare him out and that will not help in the process of earning his trust. You might be absolute strangers to him." The doctors warned us while we were walking down the hallway to his room. At his notice I instantly started ventilating, as my brain had just assembled all the pieces together and I finally had a clear vision of what was going on._

"_I don't know if I can do this. How can I be a total stranger to my own husband?" I whispered into Serena's ear, before stopping in the middle of the hallway, frozen._

"_Mom, don't be ridiculous. Nothing like that will happen. Rufus would be able to recognize you among thousands of people. Come on, let's go." Serena took my hand and led me to Rufus' room._

"_Mr. Humphrey your family is here."The doctor announced us, before letting us in. The first one to enter the room was Dan, followed by Serena. I took a long breath and walked in right after._

"_Hi." Serena waved at Rufus, who was laying on the bed, with a leg in plaster, an I.V. in each of his arms, a confused look on his face and I could certainly read dismay in his eyes too. _

"_Hey Dad."Dan also greeted him. I stood still, dumb, incapable to think about anything to say. Dan and Serena looked over at me, waiting for me to say something, anything. I stared at him for some seconds and when opened my mouth no sound came out of it. I could see it in his eyes something was not right. And then he spoke up, destroying all of our hopes. "Doctor? Who are they?"Rufus' eyes were questioning the doctor with a glint of shock and a glint of panic as well._

"_This is your son Daniel, Mr. Humphrey."Dr. Johansson pointed to Dan._

"_Dad you don't remember me?"I turned my attention to Dan, the look on his face broke my heart._

"_I'm sorry…I...I..." Rufus stammered looking at his son and then back to the doctor._

"_Oh God."Dan gasped and brought his hand to his mouth. I don't know who looked more lost, Rufus or Daniel._

"_And do you remember your wife? Lily?"The voice of the doctor echoed in the room like it was completely empty._

"_Lily?" My heart skipped a beat. I took a deep breath as if I was taking in all the hope in the world with it. I closed my eyes and then I heard it…unexpected as a bolt from the blue. "No. Nothing comes to my mind". 23 years wiped away by a 'nothing'. That's what I was to him. Nothing. He didn't remember me. He couldn't remember the eyes full of love I had always looked at him with, the smile printed on my face everytime he was around, the little blush on my cheeks I used to get everytime his eyes laid on me. That unreasonable realization took my breath away. I was falling off a cliff we, together, had climbed and we, together, had topped after years and years of failed attempts. Everything we had fought for was slipping out of his hands and I was looking at the scene, powerlessly. Forsaken memories, erased moments, pieces of our lives blown far away by the wind of puzzlement. I looked up at him and the vacant stare I was getting in return was so heavy on my heart I paled and felt like I could faint any moment. The emptiness in his eyes was even more unbearable than the confused expression on his face. I looked away as I felt tears pricking in my eyes. I could not believe it was happening to us, to the two people whose past had counted more than anything else in the world for most of their lives. In that particular moment I wasn't able to focus on him losing himself, all I could think of was Rufus deleting me from his memory. I felt lost and alone all together and it suddenly was clear to me my world revolved around him, it really did. if our world didn't exist anymore, how could my world do so? My daughter's hand rested on my shoulder, a tear streamed down my eyes whilst my mind kept formulating the same question over and over again, like a broken record: 'When will I see my Rufus again?'._

"Mrs. Humphrey?" The journalist touched Lily's arm.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I was lost in my thoughts." Lily shook her head and apologised.

"It's okay." The woman reassured her.

"We were saying?" Lily asked trying to fix her attention back on her.

"I asked you how it happened. How did your husband lose his memory and…"

"Right." Lily trailed her off. "How my husband lost his memory….our memories." Lily's eyes sparkled with tears as she started narrating what happened next, her raw wound started bleeding again.


	3. Chapter  3 Plan On Forever

**A.N.: It took me long enough to finally come up with a third chapter, didn't it? Lol I'm so sorry about it. I was very confused about the whole story, I even thought to give up a couple of times. Anyways I finally made it. I am so very happy it is not "almost done" anymore. I got inspired for this chapter by the song Plan on Forever by Sue Ann Carwell and Mervyn Warren, which is the soundtrack to a movie I love "The Wedding Planner". Hope you enjoy this new chapter. xo**

"The concussion was the real cause behind his memory loss." Lily Humphrey said in plain words.

"Did the doctors give you any idea of what you were going to face? To deal with?" The journalist asked holding her recorder tight.

"They did and they didn't. Well they couldn't." Lily passed a hand through her blonde locks.

"Explain yourself."

"Being around a person who doesn't remember anything about the people surrounding him, but also doesn't remember most of his own past, is not something you deal with on a daily basis."

"Obviously." The journalist nodded. "How did he react at first?"

"Rufus was hopelessly frustrated. We all tried to help him out, telling him it was going to be okay, that he would get his memory back soon, but he just wouldn't listen to us. He looked at us as if we were strangers. And I can't blame him for that, I wouldn't have trusted us either If I were in his shoes."

"So trust issues…." The journalist said taking notes.

"Yes. It was fairly reasonable."

"Of course." The journalist nodded resolutely. "How did you react?"

"Me?" Lillian choked nervously. "I don't know, I think It took me a while to process it all." Her mind went back to the moments after her first encounter with whom she still considered her husband.

"_Wow" Serena sighed closing the door of the room 404 behind her back. Dan and I looked at her without saying a word, we simply had nothing to say. "That was like…."_

"_Meeting him for the very first time?"__ Dan ended the sentence for her._

"_You took the words out of my mouth. He literally remembers nothing about the last 20 years or so." Serena stated with a shocked expression on her face._

"_23." __I mumbled._

"_What?"__ Serena asked._

"_Nothing." I put on a fake smile and shook my head. _

"_No birthdays, no Christmas'. No anyt__hing." Dan said trying to fathom what he just witnessed._

"_Dan…." Serena said unfeelingly. _

"_This is surreal…and the way he looked at us. He was scared of us. Did you notice?"_

"_A little bit. Dan, I am so sorry. He will recover soon.__" My daughter patted his back._

"_Yeah."__ Daniel answered mindlessly._

"_Mom?" I was physically with them, but my mind was somewhere else. I had the feeling I was ringed by ruins of my whole life and I was staring at them, trying to figure out where to start off with the reco__nstruction. "Mom?" Serena's voice brought me back to the conversation._

"_Yes?"_

"_You okay?"__ I looked into her eyes and the worry I was reading in them made me realize both her and Dan needed my support at the moment. Of course the encounter with Rufus shocked them too. I could not focus my attention on how torn apart I was feeling inside, I had to put a believable façade on and get a hold of myself._

"_I…uhm…yes. Sure."__ I smiled and took her hand into mine, giving it a little squeeze. _

"_You look….." _

"_Mrs. Humphrey, Mr. Humphrey…." The doctor spoke up taking me a little aback and interrupting Serena. "I __took an appointment for you with a psychologist. You might want to have a talk with her before you actually start dealing with Mr. Humphrey's amnesia. Just to be properly prepared, You will need some psychological support in the months to come. I'd like to suggest you to contact some psychologists in New York, but for now let me take you to Dr. Newkirk." Dan and I nodded and left Serena alone. _

"What was exactly the Psychologist needed for?" The journalist asked still taking notes.

"She basically gave us some tips. She told us how to interact with Rufus. What to do, what not to do, what to say, what not to say. She tried to guide our first steps into this journey."

"And was that kind of psychological support helping?"

"I'm going to be honest. At first it wasn't. Not for me at least. I was very much in denial and refusing to accept the situation. I thought my husband would come back to me sooner rather than later and when that doctor put me in front of the truth I panicked. I was trying with all my strength to be the tough one and to be the shoulder to lean on for my kids, but I really wasn't prepared for all of that. I felt the pressure on me and I was used to sharing that with my husband. I didn't know what to do." Lily explained thinking back to that first consultation.

"_So. How was the first meeting with the patient?" Dr. Newkirk caringly asked us._

"_Quite intense I'd say." Daniel answered with a shrug._

"_Mrs. Humphrey?"_

"_I…don't really know what to say." I said as if I was giving an apology._

"_First of all I'd say you need to accept the problem and make peace with the fact you might go back to your normal lives maybe in a couple of months.." I looked over at Dan and saw him swallowing hard. "Acceptance is the very first step in the right direction. The sooner you realize what's going on and accept the situation, the better you can help the patient and take care of him."_

"_Whether we accept it or not, is not going to change a thing, now is it?" Dan said dispirited._

"_You need to embrace the problem. You have to make it yours, first and foremost. It is not something that affects the patient only, it's something that affects everyone. You need to feel part of it so that the patient won't feel left alone, dealing with this particular condition." The doctor smiled at us and the kinder she was getting with us, the more annoyed I was getting at her._

"_I think you__'ve made it clear, it is something that concerns us all." Dan said looking at me for a brief moment._

"_That's not good enough. You need to understand this could cause you some problems, on different levels. Problems that he won't be able to solve all by himself. You will have to support him in each and every way you are capable of. You will have to show support but at the very same time respect."_

"_What do you mean?" My stepson asked a little confused._

"_Respect his times, don't rush into anything. Respect his spaces, do not suffocate him with your presence. He will likely need some alone time to find himself again. It may sound very foregone to you both, but believe me when I say it will be hard to take a step back. You will unsurprisingly want to spend as much time as possible with him, especially you Mrs. Humphrey. You will have to fight the urge, the need, to stick around sometimes, because this will make you look as some kind of guardians or babysitters to him. You need to show him you have trust in him and in his capacity to get his memory back." I was listening to her nodding, but every word coming from her mouth was more of a blur to my ears. I still had Rufus' last words echoing in my mind. "Mrs. Humphrey you okay?" The doctor asked, obviously noticing how little I was actually interested in the conversation._

"_Yes, I'm sorry." I apologized rising a smile._

"_As I was saying, your job will be to create a comfort zone for the patient. Right now he doesn't know how it feels to be home or how it feels to have a family, because he remembers nothing about you. You will need to earn his trust, it's very important. He will need to feel secure around you, comfortable to speak his mind without any hesitation."_

"_Does it sound complicated only to me?" Dan sighed passing a hand through his hair._

"_It is complicated." The doctor concurred. _

"_Ah, good news! Gotta love it!" He replied sarcastically. _

"_Mr. Humphrey I get how difficult it may seem to you right now and I know you are scared to go through all of that. But, give it time, it will get better."_

"_It'__s my father. I'm not going to leave him alone. I just look at him right now and….and It all seems some like weird kind of joke. I was not planning on spending the months to come convincing the man who raised me that I'm his child." Dan words hit me like a brick on my head. We would have had to convince Rufus he is the person he is indeed._

"_It's understandable. You're mad. You are annoyed. And you are scared most of all, scared he's never going to recognize you. Amnesia is, luckily for you, a temporary condition. It could last months or years or even days. We can't foresee its length."_

"_I know."__ Dan looked away, baffled._

"_Mrs Humphrey ho__w come you have nothing to say?" The doctor asked me surprised._

"_I….I….was just listening to you." I stammered kind of discomfited. _

"_No questions?" I shook my head. "Any doubts?" I shook it again. "Do you need me to explain myself better?"_

"_No need." I replied a tad annoyed. I felt like I didn't need anybody to tell me how to act with my husband or how to react to events, whatever they were. It was my family she was dishing about, I knew better than her._

"_Okay." The doctor caught my drift. "So….I'll give you some advice now about how to interact with the patient without sounding cold or overbearing. We don't want to scare him off or to get him mad." Both Dan and I slightly nodded. "A must-not is the question 'Do you remember?'. Never ever ask that. It will make him feel either stupid or guilty, so that question is off the table if you want him to open up with you."_

"_Got it."__ Dan said matter-of-factly. _

"_Another must-not is forcing him to stay in a place or to come with you somewhere or to do any kind of activity he doesn't feel like doing. He needs to feel the most comfortable he can and you need to provide it for him. One more thing, introduce him gradually to new, new to him at least, people. He might get confused and irritated."_

"_Does this mean even family members should be introduced to him little by little?" Dan was obviously more into the consultation than I was._

"_Mr. Humphrey today your father met his wife, son and step daughter all at once. I say let's give him some time before getting to know the rest of the family."_

"_I can't. My sister is already freaking out."_

"_I'm not saying you can't let your sister meet him, I'm just saying friends and family will have to be reintroduced cautiously in his life."_

"_Yes."__ He promptly said._

"_As for what concerns people who are not alive anymore or people he no longer has contact with, but remembers, please be very very careful when talking about them. If he asks of them explain to him what happened, but try not to shock him or anything like that."__ That was surely something I couldn't have thought of._

"_My grandfather died when I was a kid, you think he doesn't remember of it?"_

"_It's a possibility. Usually things that made us suffer the most are the first to go when a memory loss occurs. The patient could just go through the departure of his father all over again, as if it happened yesterday and not years ago."_

"_This just sucks. What do we do? What do I tell him?"__ Dan panicked looking at me first and then at the woman sitting in front of us._

"_If he asks about it, you'll just tell the truth. Tell him it happened a long time ago and help him deal with it all over again." The irritating smile on the doctor's face appeared again._

"_I see."_

"_Mrs. Humphrey this is going to be very hard on you. I suggest you to desist…."_

"_I don't need any suggestions, thanks."__ I abruptly interrupted her. The poor woman did nothing to irritate me so much, but I was not in the mood to talk about private issues with a perfect stranger._

"_Mrs. Humphrey I know you think you know your husband better than anybody else and that you know how to handle him, but his current condition is not something…." _

"_Thanks, I appreciate your concern and I thank you for your time." I cut her off once again shamelessly. "Now I really have more important things to take care of." I said getting up and leaning my hand forward to shake hers._

"_As I told you before, acceptance is the first…."_

"_Would you accept to shake my hand or should I just leave? You tell me."__ I stopped her typical psychologist ramble on, this time more rudely._

"_Lily!"__ Dan attempted to admonish me._

"_Let's go Daniel. Goodbye."__ I turned my back at her and started to walk away._

"_I'm mortified. I really am. She usually doesn't act like…."_

"_Daniel?"__ I called stopping after a few steps._

"_Goodbye Doctor. Thanks for your consultation."_

"_Goodbye."__ I heard the two of them exchanging their goodbyes._

"_What was that?"__ Dan asked me between his teeth as he closed the door behind him._

"_What happened?" Serena stood up from the chair she was sitting in, following us through the hallway._

"_A know-it-all happened." I affirmed annoyed._

"_Lily she was a doctor, a psychologist. And she was trying to help." Dan kept walking after me._

"_Oh really? And how exactly? Did she give us a pill or something to get Rufus' memory back?" I could not deal with Daniel too right now._

"_Mom I don't think that's what psychologists are there for." I took a deep breath and decided to ignore my daughter's comment and keep walking._

"_Lily she was giving us advice. Good advice. Much needed advice." Dan acknowledged as if he was talking to a retard or something._

"_The only thing I need is to have my husband back." I stopped walking. "I'll pass on everything else." I said before starting moving again._

"_Why is she acting like this now?"_

"_Don't ask me." Serena ran after me. "Mom. Mom please stop." She grabbed my arm and held me back._

"_What now?" I sighed and turned around._

"_Why are you so annoyed? The doctor was just trying to help." Serena caressed my arm to calm me down._

"_Because my husband remembers, oh what were his exact words? Oh yes, NOTHING about me?" I fought back tears with all my strength._

"_Mom…It's temp…"_

"_Spare me Serena." I cut her off. We looked into each other's eyes and I could tell she understood what was crossing my mind, by the look of sympathy mixed to sadness she was giving me. "I just need some time alone." I excused myself. _

"_Lily, for God's sake this is not just about you! Is it too much to ask to focus your attention on my dad rather than on yourself?" Dan flipped out._

"_Dan…." Serena tried to warn him and cool him off at the same time._

"_No Serena, this is so selfish of her! She's acting like nobody understands what she's going through. The one suffering from amnesia is not just her husband, he is also my father. Lily is not the only one who saw the world shattering before her eyes today." Dan's words were nothing less than a punch in the stomach to me._

"_Dan there's no need to be this mean. Really." I appreciated my daughter taking my side, but it really didn't make me feel any better._

"_I'm sorry, I'm full of it right now." Daniel got worked up beyond any expectations._

"_Dan! Dan!" He walked away ignoring Serena calling his name. "Mom, he's just freaking out about the whole situation."_

"_Whatever Serena." I shrugged and walked toward the elevator._

"_Mom this is the wrong attitude. Why can't you understand that?" I heard Serena say while the doors closed in front of me._

"Did this first consultation, I'm assuming you had some more later, work for the good?" The journalist asked me curiously.

"All her advice was good. It seemed like she really knew what she was talking about, but it is hard to control your instincts when you are around a person you've known for years." As the words came out of my mouth, images of that day started floating back to my mind.

_I needed time to think, to collect myself. Dan's words really hurt me, having the kids give me a hard time in the aftermath of what happened to Rufus was no help. Even so I could not allow myself to breakdown or freak out in any way, maybe they could, but I clearly couldn't. I had to take control of the situation, take care of what needed to be taken care of. It was all very heavy on my heart: first the accident, then the surgery, and last but not least the memory loss. I was exhausted by all the waiting and the worries I had to face and still was facing, but I had no time to focus on what happened and come to peace with that. I had so much on my mind, I just pushed all my anger and my misery aside, shutting them out of my mind. I talked to the doctors and asked when they were planning to discharge Rufus, I was already sick of that hospital and just wanted him to come back home with us as soon as possible. Then I had to put on a brave face and reassure Eric and Jenny that everything was okay and that we would be home pretty soon. I tried my hardest to tell them the truth, but just mentioning Rufus' present condition gave me the creeps. It wasn't the type of news you break over the phone, anyways. I then made sure Larissa would set up Jenny's old room, Rufus couldn't take the stairs with that plaster covering his leg, he needed to stay downstairs to be comfortable. Then I phoned Chuck to make sure the Bass Ind. plane would be there on the day Rufus would be discharged, among all the kids Charles was surprisingly the most understanding one. I had to call Rufus' boss too, to tell him what was going on and that maybe it was a good idea to have someone take over for him. I was aware of how much he loved his new job, but Rufus was not Rufus anymore at the moment and the label could not put the Panic's album on hold for an indefinite amount of time. Up until the moment I pronounced those last words, I hadn't really understood that I wouldn't have my husband back for God knows how long. For a couple of hours I felt like I had everything under control, but now that the frantic of settling everything down was gone, panic came paying a visit to me. I had kept my mind busy, just what I needed to restrain myself from a breakdown, but I knew I could not hold on any longer. I was hopelessly wishing Rufus would give me the strength to carry on, to take care of him too. It was all new to me I had no idea how I was supposed to handle things with him. Then again I tried to give strength to myself repeating that I would get used to it eventually and my husband would surely come back to me in a matter of days, weeks at the worst. So I walked into his room and I found a nurse in it checking on him. I looked around, trying not to fix my eyes on his face, I was too nervous of receiving that empty stare again. The nurse noticed my fret and reassured me straightaway, Rufus was sedated because of the pain his leg was giving him. "He needs more pillows." I stated robotically._

"_Excuse me?"__ The nurse turned around and looked at me. _

"_He needs more pillow, there under his leg."__ I pointed the two pillows under his left leg, which didn't seem to support his leg properly._

"_I will take care of it in a minute Mrs. Humphrey."__ The nurse nodded resolutely. _

"_And why is this room so dark? There's not even a window in here. I want him to be moved into a bigger, lighter, and more comfortable room."__ I affirmed giving the space around me a look._

"_I'm sorry Mrs. Humhprey, this is the only room we have left. There are other patients too."_

"_I see what you're getting at."I smiled pleased._

"_I'm sorry?"__ The nurse asked bemused. _

"_How much?"_

"_Mrs. Humphrey I don't understand what…."_

"_How much will it cost me to get him moved to another room." I interrupted her raising my voice. It amazed me how little it took to annoy me that day. "You name the price."__ I brought my voice tone back to normal._

"_This is really not our way of doing things. I am not going to take money from you. There is no other room to move him into. I'm sorry."__ The nurse gave me a look._

"_That is not true and we both know that. What do you need a check? A donation to the hospital? I don't know how much cash I have on me right now with me, but I could go to an ATM in a minute and…"_

"_Mom!"I turned around and found Serena staring at me in disbelief. "I'm very sorry, my mother is just a little over controlling sometimes. We'll just leave now and come back later." Serena dragged me out of the room. "I'm so sorry!" She apologised once again to the nurse before leaving the room._

"_Serena what was that?"I almost yelled at her._

"_Me trying to spare you a poor reputatiom mom. What is wrong with you? Paying a nurse off to move Rufus into another room? What were you thinking?" Serena was acting as if that was the first time I was paying someone off._

"_That this room is too dark and too small maybe?"__ I answered mockingly._

"_Mom we're not at the Palace here. This is a hospital, Rufus' room is just fine."_

"_He needs more pillows, he does not have enough pillows."__ I said starting to walk again towards his room._

"_Mom, Rufus is sedated right now." Serena took my arm and stopped me. "Doctors said he needs to rest because his leg still hurts. I'm sure they know better than we do what he needs."_

"_He needs…."_

"_Mom. Calm down." Serena stroked some hair behind my ear. "Everything's okay. Rufus is okay. You're just panicking over nothing. It's all good."_

"_Is it Serena? Really? My husband lost his memory. And you're telling me everything's okay. Nothing is okay." I felt tears pricking in my eyes. "Let me go. Please." I knew my daughter was trying to be supportive, but nobody could have given me the support I needed, because my support system had just lost his memory. I walked into Rufus's room again. This time i__t was just him and me in it. I looked down at him and for a moment everything disappeared. I told myself he was going to open his eyes and smile at me, just like he would normally do on an ordinary morning. I walked over to his bed and in an automatic movement I placed my hand on his face and brushed my thumb against his cheek. I felt as I was getting life blood just by toughing him that much. My eyes got teary as I moved lightly my hand through his hair. I closed them and breathed in. "Why? Why are you doing this to me, huh?" I started talking keeping my voice low, as my hand was gently caressing his jaw now. "I thought we had a plan, the two us. We had a plan on forever. You remember? Of course you do. You do Rufus. You can't just have forgotten about everything." My palm was resting on his skin and all I could think of was when I would be able to touch him like that, freely, again. "You forgot we're married? You forgot how long we fought to get to this point? God you even forgot my name?" A warm tear wet my cheek. "I don't believe it, I can't believe it. How could you ever do that? The man I know, would never ever do this to me." I brushed the tear away with my finger tips, pretending it never fell down. I was on the verge of a breakdown and I could not stumble, I could not allow myself be weak in such a delicate moment. "They keep saying I'm being just as selfish as only I can be. But you know what? The selfish one is you right now. Getting rid of us, of your family, of your children, of your future. What about our future together? I planned on forever with you Rufus, dammit!" I felt anger taking over sadness. "And what am I getting in return? A complete stranger? You told me you wouldn't know what to do without me a couple of days ago. Are you taking that all back now? Are you bailing on us? On me? It was not my intention to fall in love with you, to consider you the one, to make out of you the love of my life and you're coming up to all my expectations!" Tears were now flooding down my eyes. "It's all your fault. I really did plan on a forever together after we got married. I could not think of anything less for us after all we've been through. I planned on forever with you. I did and you did not!" I hit the pillow he was laying his head on with my fist. Then I flopped into the chair next to his bed and covered my face with my hands. I started crying even harder. Tears were burning my eyes, I felt as if my head was about to explode any moment. After a couple of minutes I got up and took his hand into mine. "You can give up on whatever you want, I am not giving up. May God strike me down this moment if I give up on you. You hear me?" I then realized I was almost yelling to a sedated man. I calmed down and lightly kissed the back of his hand. "I gave up on so many people in my life, but you're not going to be one of them. I'm here to fight for you. Tooth and nail. You're my safety net. You always say so. I can't lose it. I need it. I desperately need my safety net." I leaned forward and kissed his forehead. "I'll just stick to my plan….I'll stick to forever." I started sobbing like a baby, while my lips were still glued to his alluring skin. He opened his eyes and one more time the emptiness in them stubbed me, right in the chest. "What? What are you doing here? Get off of me. What do you want from me?". I didn't know what to do or what to say. The lost look on his face, the questioning eyes he was looking at me with, were causing me so much pain the only thing I could think of was running away. So I just ran away, leaving the room as fast as I could. When I turned the corner I ran into my daughter. "Mom!" Serena embraced me with her long lean arms, and that's when my last fence fell to the ground. "Mom, did anything happen? Mom why are you crying?" Serena made me sit on the nearby seat._

"_I'm not sure I can handle this." I shook my head and covered my face with my hands._

"_Come here." My daughter sat next to me and hugged me again. I tightened the hold around her tiny waist burying my face in her shoulder. _

"_Sh, let it out. You need to let it all out."_

"_Lily? What…"__ Dan walked closer to me and hugged me tight as well._

"_It's going to be okay Mom."__ I felt Serena softly kissing my hair._

"_I….I….really don't know what to do without him."I sobbed, disregarding the fact they were witnessing how miserable that state of things made me._

"_You're not alone mom. You have me and Eric and Dan and Jenny. We'll handle this together, as a family." Serena and Dan broke the hug._

"_Of course." Daniel rubbed my back._

"_I can't do this. I can't cope with that look on his face." I wiped the tears away._

"_You can and you will. You have your family to lean on."_

"_Yeah. We're here for you." Daniel concurred._

"_Oh Gosh, I should be the one giving you support and look at me. I'm a mess!" I stated embarrassed._

"_Who cares! You're still the most fashionable mess I've ever seen." Serena smiled at me and kissed my temple._

"_Thanks."_

"_It will soon be over, we have to be positive. Something worse could have happened. At least we still have him, we didn't lose him. Not completely at least." Dan encouraged me a little by showing me the bright side._

"_Yeah, you're absolutely right."_

"_Yes."__ Daniel smiled at me. I never realized how much like his father he was until then._

"_Your father is so very proud of you Daniel. And so am I. It will take you nothing to make him remember his incredible son." _

"_Thank you Lily. These words….well they mean a lot to me."_

"_I know." We hugged each other. "I love you."_

"_Love you too."_

"It must have been really hard for you all not to act normally around him." The journalist said sympathetically.

"It was, but the hard times were yet to come." Lily took a sip of her coffee and looked out of the window asking herself if accepting to give that interview was a good idea after all.


	4. Chapter 4 All We'd Ever Need

**Hey guys! It took me long enough to come up with a fourth chapter, but almost 7 months later, here it is. I apologize for the long waiting but first of all the whole FF got deleted from my laptop by mistake and therefore I couldn't find the courage to start from scratch again; second of all I've been quite busy. Anyways, I hope this is worth the wait. I got inspired by "All we'd ever need" by Lady Antebellum for this chapter, I'm totally hooked to their music. I really hope you like it, enjoy.**

"What do you mean by 'the hard times were yet to come?' " The journalist asked.

"Well, I thought once he'd be home again everything would have been easier or normal even. I was just deceiving myself I guess." Lily shrugged taking another sip of her hot beverage.

"Things didn't go as planned when he got back home?" She asked again, more intrigued.

"It's not like we had planned anything, we didn't really know what to expect. And Rufus was so confused, it was a convolute situation for him and therefore for us. I set my hopes too high I suppose. I hoped he would walk in and instantly remember everything. But that's not exactly what happened." Lily sighed.

"What happened exactly then?"

"Well after his discharge we hopped on a plane and flew down here at once, I was not going to spend another day in Aspen, I thought I was about to go crazy over there. Rufus had been quiet for the entire flight, I felt like I was trapped in a room without any exit with a stranger. I had no idea what to talk about with him and neither did he. It was all very awkward. I could not believe I had nothing to talk about with my very own husband, every attempt to start a conversation failed for my step-son, so I didn't even try to communicate with him. Once we arrived in New York, we brought him home, here. Rufus' daughter, Jenny, was waiting here for us to arrive. She flew all the way from England to see how her dad was doing. I think she was the least prepared for what was going to take place."

"Did you acquaint your stepdaughter with Rufus' amnesia?" The journalist asked while writing down some notes.

"Of course we did, but like the rest of us, Jenny was not prepared to welcome home a complete stranger. Because that's what Rufus has been to us for quite some time, a complete stranger." Rufus' homecoming day replayed in Lily's mind. The day reality overtook fantasy.

_The elevator announced our arrival. "You're here!" Jenny exclaimed almost running towards us. She threw herself at her brother and hugged him tightly whispering something inaudible from where I stood to him. "Dad…." She started turning to Rufus. "Hi" She managed to put together._

"_Hi." Rufus replied politely, the corners of his lips turning upwards in what definitely was the first smile he had since he had woken up. Jenny couldn't contain her happiness to see her father safe at home any longer so she wrapped her arms around him, taking his smile as an okay. Rufus was obviously ill at his daughter's display of affection and took a step back immediately. Jenny looked at him disappointed and disoriented and then mumbled a 'sorry', which sounded more like an apology than it should have. Rufus nodded mindlessly and took a look at the place. I tried to break the ice for the 150__th__ time in the last couple of weeks by suggesting a tour of the house, yet again not the cleverest idea of mine taking into account that Rufus was not very fond of the crutches he had to use to move around. And then the awkwardness, as if thus far there had been lack of it, struck. "This house is pretty big, I never thought I would live in a penthouse, in Manhattan." _

"_Well neither did I, but you converted to the Upper East Side a long time ago." Jenny smiled at him with such affection, my heart ached when he returned it with a thoughtless shrug._

"_We all did at some point." Dan corrected his sister. _

"_I don't think I ever adjusted to the…."_

"_Okay." I jumped in cutting Jenny off, I was not going to let Rufus hear about Jenny's good old days, not yet at least. "Dan why don't you go tell Larissa she can start unpacking my suitcases please?"_

"_Sure" Dan nodded and left the room._

"_Larissa?" Rufus asked me perplexed. _

"_Yes, she's our maid." I answered nonchalantly. _

"_So we have a doorman and a maid and an apartment worth millions of dollars." Rufus took a seat on a chair. "This is so not the life I would have pictured myself living." He placed his elbows on his knees and leaned down, his face rested between his palms, showing off his perfect puerile manners._

"_I know. I know things have changed a lot, but believe me, they've changed for the better." I tried to reassure him._

"_It's true dad. You were very happy here." Jenny helped in._

"_Very." I nodded trying my best to smile._

"_Well….if you say so." Rufus sighed and turned his head around to give a look at the view of the city._

"_Larissa's already on it." Dan walked back in after a couple of seconds._

"_Thank you Daniel."_

"_Who is that?" Rufus pointed to a picture behind me._

"_Oh that's Eric." Jenny filled the blank smiling big as her eyes set on her best friend's pretty face._

"_Serena's brother." I explained further._

"_You have a son too?" He sounded as surprised and incredulous as if I had just told him he had won the lottery._

"_Yes. He wanted to come here to welcome you home, but I really didn't want to overwhelm you. You'll meet him soon enoughl though."_

"_So I have Dan and Jenny and you have…."_

"_Eric and Serena" I ended the sentence for him._

"_And there's Scott too." Jenny said without thinking too much about it, or at all. I think my eyes popped out of their orbits at the mention of Scott's name._

"_Jenny I think we'll talk about Scott when the time is right. Your father looks exhausted and needs to get some rest." I said trying to sound as calm and perfectly composed as I could._

"_Yeah…I would love that." Rufus agreed at once._

"_I asked Larissa to set up our guest room for you, so you don't have to climb the stairs to get to our room. I thought It'd be troublesome for you." I jumped at the chance to change the topic._

"_Thank you, besides I wouldn't feel at ease sleeping in there, I mean with you. It'd be an uncomfortable situation, wouldn't it?" Rufus replied matter-of-factly and grabbed his crutches to get on his feet again. _

"_Clearly." I murmured under my breath._

"_Here, let me help you." Dan helped his father getting up._

"_Thanks." Rufus thanked him and then made his way to the guest room with Dan at his heels carrying his bags for him._

"_Wow….He's something else." Jenny whispered once Dan and Rufus left the room._

"_No. He's someone else." I said looking away to hide my teary eyes._

"How did your step daughter react?"The journalist asked.

"Well…she was unprepared. She put on a brave face and hid her true feelings in the attempt to make Rufus feel comfortable and supported. She didn't want him to feel any worse than he already did for having amnesia. None of us wanted it surely."

"Did her attempt fail?"

Lily Humphrey's mind went straight back to Rufus' first dinner at home as soon as the question was asked. To call it a failed attempt would most definitely be an understatement.

"_We wanted to have chilli for dinner tonight, it seemed only right, but ordering it felt too weird and none of us is really good at making it." Dan said pointing to the lemon chicken in his plate with his fork._

"_Or good at making anything in the kitchen whatsoever." I joke making everyone laugh, minus Rufus._

"_I like chilli." Rufus said, plainly happy to still know one thing about himself._

"_Yeah." Jenny nodded with equal enthusiasm._

"_You make the best chilli in New York, and by New York I mean the entire State." Dan smiled at him._

"_I like cooking too?" Rufus asked with a full mouth._

"_Sure, You're so good at it." I answered caressing his forearm casually. _

"_Cool." Rufus said moving his arm a little to the left, obviously uncomfortable with my endearing behavior. _

"_Dad , Jenny and I would love to show you the loft. Feel free to come by anytime you want." Dan introduced a new topic._

"_It's your house anyway." Jenny chimed in. _

"_We live on the Upper East Side too?" _

"_You used to live in Brooklyn. That's where Dan and Jenny grew up." I answered for them._

"_Well things start to make finally sense now. Brooklyn would suit me better." Rufus said before taking a sip of his alcohol-free drink._

"_Yeah, sure." I heard Serena mumble mordantly from my left side._

"_Serena." I scolded her._

"_What? I'm just saying I never heard him complain about living here. He got used to the Upper East Side pretty easily if you ask me." Serena went on boldly._

"_That's not entirely true." I said looking at Rufus, trying to repair the possible damages my daughter had just done._

"_And It's beside the point." Dan gave Serena a look._

"_Whatever." Serena waved her hand in the air, carelessly._

"_Anyhow, We just wanted you to know you're very welcome in your old house Dad." Daniel put the conversation back on topic._

"_Thanks. You guys…I know what I'm about to say might upset you or disappoint you or whatever, but I really don't feel comfortable with being called 'dad'. I am not a father, I mean I can't remember how being one feels like so if you could just call me by my name, that would be much appreciated." I turned my head and looked at Jenny and Dan. Anybody's heart would have broken into million pieces at their sight. You could tell they were dazed and taken back, but most of all they had disappointment written all over their faces. I could see tears forming in Jenny's eyes while she stared at her empty glass. His brother put his hand above hers on the table and gave it a reassuring squeeze before nodding his agreement to his father. "So tell me more about our lives before I moved here or got married to Lily." Rufus asked without paying too much attention to his kids or to the fact he had just pushed them under a moving train._

"_Things were gr-great." Jenny stated with a choking voice, her eyes still set on the empty glass before her. I'm pretty sure my face fell since Dan quickly added "She didn't mean it to sound like that."_

"_Gosh I'm sorry Lily." The poor girl apologized right after in her impeccable heartfelt manner. "I meant we were a happy family, we didn't have loads of money or a huge house or a driver, but I think I'm speaking for both myself and my brother when I say we had all we needed with you and mom."_

"_Yes." Dan concurred earnestly._

"_What about your mother? How long have we been married?"_

"_18 years." Dan answered before eating some more of his food._

"_Wow that's a long time. Why did we break up?" Rufus asked outwardly interested._

"_Uhm….you…uhm you hit a rough patch I guess." Jenny stammered on her own words, visibly uncertain about the answer to give._

"_I'm sorry, I suppose it was hard for you guys to see us divorcing." Her father said sympathetically. _

"_It was a tough time, mostly because mom moved to Hudson and we were not seeing her that often, so…."_

"_Why, do you now?" Serena interrupted her before cackling softly._

"_Excuse me?" Jenny turned her attention to her step-sister, annoyed by her as ever._

"_I'm just saying you're not that close to her now either" Serena affirmed while fixing her napkin on her legs._

"_Serena." I scolded her for the second time that night._

"_I'm just stating the truth. I know what Dan and Jenny went through when Rufus and Alison divorced. Dan and I just had just started dating back then and we all know Alison wouldn't have won the 'mother of the year' award that year. Or this current one. I'm just stating the truth." She held her hands up in a self-justifying way._

"_This is none of your business." Jenny slurred taking her sudden anger out on the salad in her plate._

"_You guys used to date?" Rufus' jaw dropped._

"_Okay, Larissa you can serve dessert now." I called out. This was getting more awkward by the minute._

"_I'm confused. You're siblings!" He exclaimed stunned. _

"_Stepsiblings." Serena pointed out. _

"_Still." Rufus murmured under his breath._

"_Thank you Larissa." I said as she approached the table with a cheesecake._

"_Uhm, thanks, I think I can help myself. I don't feel very comfortable with being served by other people." Rufus said while Larissa was putting a plate with delicious dessert down in front of him._

"_Rufus this is their job. That's what we pay them for." I whispered in his ear._

"_Well I'm not the one for private jets and doormen and butlers and housekeepers. I wonder how I got here." Rufus snapped._

"_Trust me, it won't be long before you won't even notice them." Serena snapped back._

"_You know Serena I'm sure, if you leave now, it wouldn't also be long before I notice you left." Jenny said, on the verge of a flip out._

"_Jenny, Serena. We're having dinner. Please" I tried to say in a soothing tone more than a begging one._

"_No, I'm fed up!" Jenny got up and wrathfully tossed her napkin on the table. "What's wrong with you?"_

"_What's wrong with me? I'm not the one trying to have Rufus buy all the crap you're telling him." Serena got up as well. Things were getting heated and I had no idea how to appease those two girls at that point._

"_Serena…." I began to say when my daughter sharply cut me off. _

"_Listen your wife cheated on you, that's why you divorced her." She turned her attention to Rufus. "Dan and I dated for a while yes, but that was before you started dating my mom again, realized you never really fell out of love with her and got married to her. You moved here and lived just as happily as the rest of us with all the comforts and joys this kind of life brings. There, this is what you needed to know." _

"_Serena!" Dan almost yelled at her, furious._

"_What? Did I leave anything out?" She shoot back._

"_I'm going to bed." Rufus got up at once and grabbed his crutches._

"_Rufus…." I took him by the wrist to stop him._

"_My leg hurts and my head hurts from time to time too, I just need some sleep. Goodnight everybody." He replied coldly and then left._

"_Was it really necessary Serena?" I was so mad at her. She did everything in her power to make Rufus feel uncomfortable and unwelcome in his own home, with his own family. _

"_Yes, you were all lying to his face! Rufus has got to remember who he was before the accident, not who he thinks he would have become growing up."_

"_That was not your place to tell and you know it." Dan was literally fuming._

"_I couldn't stand listening to him complaining about being served and getting driven around when he did just fine in the last 2 years."_

"_What are you trying to say?" Jenny joined the conversation._

"_I just wanted him to know his 19year old self changed his perspective on life when he entered his forties." I shook my head at her words, praying Rufus could not hear us from the guest room._

"_Once again It's got nothing to do with you." Jenny pointed her right index at her step sister. "You don't know how it feels to have all of your memories taken away from you, to know nothing about yourself and about what happened in your life in the last 20 years. You don't know how it feels to look at your father and not recognize him. You know absolutely nothing Serena!" Jenny lashed out at her, her cheeks stained by tears._

"_Jenny he needs to know the truth, so I told him."_

"_He would have known the truth….with time." Dan cried exasperated. _

"_With time? He needs to absorb as much information about himself as he can and in the shortest amount of time possible." I was looking at them, getting more annoyed and upset as seconds were going by._

"_Says who? Serena Van Der Woodsen psychology graduate?" Dan retorted._

"_Enough." I tried to uphold my self-control without raising my voice or throwing something at the three of them like I wished._

"_Lily…."_

"_No. Enough is enough." I cut Dan off. "I have no intention to deal with your stupid spiteful fights right now. My husband lost his memory, I have my hands full as it is."_

"_Mom, I'm sorry." Serena immediately apologized when our eyes met._

"_You can finish your dinner I lost my appetite." With that I left the dinner table and went straight upstairs. Later that night I treated myself with a long, relaxing, warm, bubble bath, a refreshing face mask and a good book. I really needed to take my mind off of everything going on around me. I thought the kids would have helped me with Rufus and everything, but apparently they were not so interested in it as I imagined they would be. I fell asleep whilst reading my book, as usual, and abruptly woke up when my book fell off and hit the floor with a loud thud after I had turned on my side. "God Rufus why are the lights still on?" I grumbled trying to adjust my eyes to the sudden light. Then reached for the book with my right hand, set it on the nightstand and turned off the light. I then instinctively turned to Rufus' side of the bed and my hand wandered the cold mattress, searching for him. Then it hit me: Rufus was not lying next to me. Reality set in. Rufus had lost a large portion of his memory, which included me and his kids and whatever happened in the last 20 years or so. I hoped his memory would come back soon or in a short amount of time anyway, but more than 2 weeks had already passed and nothing happened. He didn't get his memory back, not even a teeny tiny part of it, and as much as I was trying to stay positive and be optimistic, I was slowly losing faith. I was unconsciously starting grieving the loss of my husband, as if he had died or had been missing. I took my phone and speed dialed him. It went straight to voicemail: "Hey It's Rufus. I'm not available at the moment, leave a message and I'll get back to you. If this is my wife calling, sweetie remember the message will be recorded and could get used against you.". I let out a laugh all the while tears were streaming down my face. "Hey, it's me. And I like to think you know what I mean when I say 'me'. It's me, Lily. Your wife. Yes your wife, who is definitely incapable to sleep through the night without you next to her. The one who is literally freezing because the empty spot you left in this bed is making her cold inside and out. Your wife. Your wife. Your wife. Dammit Rufus! I can't do this. I miss you too much. I need you Rufus. I just need you now. Please come back to me. Please, please, I can't do this anymore. Come ba…" I heard the beep and hung up. I didn't really know what I was doing or what I was hoping to get out of that voicemail since Rufus' phone was in my handbag. He didn't even remember how to use a cellphone, who knew how long it would have taken him to start using a smartphone. I just lost control and let my feelings get the best of me I told myself, trying to justify my weakness. But truth is there was no use in denying it. I missed Rufus, he was right there, in the same house as me, but I missed him like he was miles away. I could still smell his cologne on his pillow. I could still see his shadow when the lights of the city hit the right spots. I thought I was going insane. It was not the first night Rufus and I had spent apart since we got married, but this time was different. So different. And all that time spent fighting, spent telling lies and trying to cover up for them seemed such like a huge waste. If only I could have taken it back, God I would have given anything to have him back. Literally anything. No amount of money or social status could have ever replaced him. Nothing was worthwhile without him. We were doing good, so good before the incident. Things were going so smoothly, at last. We had everything we could possibly need together. We had each other, it was more than enough. They say you only have one great love throughout your life and I couldn't help but feel like I had lost mine. I needed him back, I wanted him back, but I had no clue about how my will, as strong as it was, could have made things better, could have turned things around. How was I supposed to make Rufus, my husband, fall in love with me again? How was I supposed to find the strength to prove to him he was all that mattered to me? How was I supposed to make him understand he was my first and my last? How was I supposed to make him believe our love was all we'd ever need? I, for one, was starting to believe it wasn't so. I looked at the framed picture of our first dance as man and wife on my nightstand and started doing the only thing that was left to do. I hoped that crying myself to sleep would work, but it didn't. So I went downstairs to make myself some chamomile and try out a natural way to put myself to sleep, instead of resorting to sleeping pills and such medication._

"_Oh my God Rufus! You scared me." I almost screamed when I saw him standing alone, in the dark, in our living room._

"_Sorry." He looked at my black negligee and blushed a little as if it was the first time He ever saw me in it._

"_What are you doing up?" I tangled My silk black robe around my waist in an attempt to cover my night attire and a few other things as well. _

"_I was…I just…I couldn't fall asleep." Rufus stuttered and took his eyes off of me._

"_Yeah….I understand." I brushed my hair behind my ear._

"_I'm sorry. I was just giving these pictures a look." He said putting down a photograph of us kissing._

"_Please do. They may help." Hope instantly came back knocking at my door._

"_That's what I thought. There are many pictures of the two of us around the house."_

"_Yes. I love pictures, always have."_

"_I see…" Rufus gave me a nod and then looked away._

"_I'm sorry for what Serena said and well everything else. Our kids love each other, they just have a weird way of showing it." I knew we all owed him an apology, but I thought I should go first._

"_It's okay."_

"_Rufus, I'm deeply sorry. It was your first dinner back at home, it wasn't supposed to be like that." I shook my head and sighed._

"_It's alright, really." But there was not a reassuring tone in his voice at all._

"_I came downstairs to make myself some chamomile, they say it induces sleep. Would you like some?" I politely asked, making my way to the kitchen._

"_Uhm…no thanks, I'm good." Rufus gently declined my offer._

"_Okay." I smiled at him, trying to put on a brave face and forget about all of the thoughts that were keeping me awake._

"_Can I ask you a question?" I turned around to listen to him and a with a trembling voice answered "Of course." I was agitated and at the same time excited, what if those pictures rang a bell for him? What if he had remembered something? "Did I cheat on my wife with you? Just to be clear." That little tiny hope that was growing inside of me, crushed to the ground. " I suddenly feel bad for tearing our family apart by divorcing her. I don't even know why since she cheated on me, but then I wondered 'What if I did something wrong too?'. Maybe that could explain why I feel like this."_

"_No, you never cheated on her. Not with me or anybody else. You're not a cheater Rufus Humphrey." I knew that much._

"_Good." He smiled his relief._

"_But you're a loving and devoted father and you felt guilty for being unable to keep your family together."_

"_You mean I was unable to forgive her?"_

"_No, you did at one point, but…." I trailed off, not knowing how to put it._

"_But?" Rufus plied. _

"_But It's a long story." I sighed closing my eyes to collect my thoughts._

"_I have time."_

"_You and I were getting closer and closer when our kids started hanging out together and Dan and Serena were already dating. Something clicked, long lost feelings, or maybe I should say presumed long lost feelings, came back and we wanted to be together again. We fell in love all over again or perchance we stopped pretending we fell out of love with each other to begin with, I don't know…." I sighed and looked straight at him "You and Alison couldn't work things out anymore, you were through."_

"_But I never cheated on her with you, right?" He asked again._

"_No, never." I shook my head decisively._

"_I just wanted to be 100% sure." Rufus said defensively. I went back to making my chamomile tea when he requested my attention again. "I understand we've known each other for a while, I mean before I knew Alison."_

"_Yes."_

"_And were we in love?" I never thought Rufus, my Rufus, would feel the need to ask me this. I took a deep breath and replied "Crazy in love"._

"_Why didn't I marry you then? What happened?"_

"_Rufus…." I really wanted him to remember, I wanted to help, but that night it was too much to ask of me._

"_Too complicated?" He smirked knowingly. _

"_I can't do this right now. I'm sorry."_

"_I tried. You can't blame me for asking."_

"_I am not, but please try to understand it's not easy for me either. I've loved you for so long, it seems to me a thousand years passed from the moment I got lost in your eyes for the very first time. I need to get used to this situation too. I need to take in you don't know who I am or what we are to each other anymore. It takes time, you know." I looked him in the eyes and realized how much of a stranger he had become to me. I could see Rufus standing right in front of me, but I could not see any trace of the man I was madly in love with._

"_I get it, I really do."_

"_Thanks." I looked down, suddenly feeling strengthless. _

"_I'll go try and catch some sleep."_

"_Okay."_

"_Goodnight Lily."_

"_Goodnight." I covered my eyes with my palms, clenching my hair between my fingers, and started crying and crying until there were no tears left to cry._

"Mrs. Humphrey?" The New York Mag's employee tried to win her attention back.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I got distracted. Where were we?" Lily graciously apologized.

"I asked you if your step daughter attempt failed."

"I wouldn't call it a failure." Lily lied straight to her face. "But we decided to get some help afterwards. My daughter, Serena, suggested to contact a good psychiatric and let him help Rufus. She is the one who convinced me." Lily's heart warmed at the memory of her daughter heartfelt and thoughtful little speech.

"_Mom?" Serena knocked at my bedroom door the following day._

"_Come in."_

"_Hi." She shyly made her way in._

"_What brings you here so early?" I asked aloof. _

"_I wanted to apologize to you for last night dinner. I shouldn't have…."_

"_No you shouldn't have." I cut her off and then started my makeup routine._

"_Mom, I'm sorry. Believe me, I am. But we are all acting as if we don't know him, when we do. We're not helping him like this."_

"_We're trying to take things slowly. I didn't want him to feel overwhelmed by his past or anything. It's a one-step-at-a-time kind of thing." I said while blending my foundation._

"_We spent the last 2 weeks without taking any step really." Serena said as a matter of fact._

"_Serena It's not that easy." I sighed in annoyance._

"_It will never be if we stay here waiting for Rufus to wake up one day and remember everything."_

"_Well what do you know? It could happen. Doctors never counted out the possibility."_

"_Mom, come on! You know it does not work like that. You're just too scared Rufus will never get his memory back, so you're playing defensive to dodge the possibility of getting hurt too much in the end." She spoke the truth and that in itself already hurt bad enough._

"_Serena why are you doing this to me? Why are you spending all your strength trying to make this whole thing harder than it already is?" I just wanted to be left alone, why couldn't my daughter get it?_

"_Because I love you. And I know you're hurting and I don't want to see you hurt." And then I looked into the mirror before me, two big blue eyes peering at me. And there she was again, my beautiful little girl, who always wanted nothing but my happiness, telling me we would be alright even if her dad left. She couldn't have been older than 4 at the time, yet she was so mature and so selfless. She didn't change much after all, I thought._

"_Serena…" I turned towards her and tried to put a sentence together, but my brain was now working so slowly._

"_Remember when I asked you not to be with Rufus so that Dan and I would be together?" She asked rubbing my arm up and down._

"_Of course I remember." I rolled my eyes._

"_I asked you to give up on him because Dan was the most important thing in my life and I thought Rufus didn't mean as much to you. Well I was wrong." I felt my face lighting up with a smile. "If I knew then what I know now I would have never asked you to sacrifice your happiness for mine. It took me long enough to understand what you and Rufus shared, but now I do. With your ups and your downs, you're the closest thing to 'happily ever after' I know. I've never seen your face as smiley as when Rufus is around." _

"_Oh Serena!" I gave up and enfolded my beautiful girl in my arms. _

"_I know you love Eric and I mom" Serena broke the hug and wiped a tear from under my eye. "Just like I know we will never be as good as Rufus at making you happy. I don't want anything or anyone taking away from you what I myself once took away from you. I can't let it happen again. Not like this."_

"_Thank you." I embraced her once again and held her as close as I could to me. "I love you so much honey, so much." I whispered to her ear._

"_So do I mom." She kissed my cheek. "Now can we talk to the best psychiatric or psychologist or whatever it is and get some help? You really need a specialist to help you sort things out. I know you think you can make it all by yourself, but you can't."_

"_You're right. I'll contact a doctor within today." I gave in._

"_I'm sure therapy will be great help." Serena took my hand and squeezed it fondly. _

"_I hope so." _

"Were you against professional help at first?"

"Yes, I thought I had everything under control. I thought nobody could understand my husband better than I could. I thought I was the only person who could have helped him." Lily answered rather honestly.

"And?"

"And as hard as it was to admit it, I was wrong." Lily bit her lip. "I was so wrong." She repeated more firmly.


	5. Chapter 5 Where Would You Be

**Hello everybody, here's the 5th chapter you've been all waiting for. I know it took me almost 7 months again to update this and I really have no excuse to defend myself, just plain laziness on my part. I want to thank all of you guys who sent me PMs begging me to keep writing and those who pestered me on twitter to update this fic, you're amazing. Since Gossip Girl's new season sucks for us poor rufly fans, I had to find inspiration somewhere else so go ahead and thank Martina McBride and her beautiful "Where would you be". Once again sorry for the long wait, I promise I'll try to update it before 2013 gets here. Lol Hope you enjoy it as much as I enjoyed writing it.**

"Why so?" The journalist asked inquisitively.

"Because as much as I wanted him to feel comfortable with me and to trust me, It wasn't just working for us. I should have let him go rather than holding him back." Lily answered getting slightly uncomfortable with the direction the conversation was taking.

"Let him go? How? Why?" She plied.

"I just let him free to make his own decisions. And I learned to accept that from the day of the accident forward I was on my own. I could not count on his support anymore. And I have to thank Jonathan Wayne, the psychiatric we saw a couple of days later, for helping me understand that. And a particular event, I'd prefer not to share." Lily looked down to her knotted hands on her lap.

"When you agreed to this…" The journalist trailed off sure her interlocutor caught her drift.

"When I agreed to this you said you were only interested in the medical aspects of our experience with memory loss." Lillian Humphrey looked up at her and pierced her with her gaze, the words coming out of her heavy as a spell. "And you're going to stick to it, I'll have to show you the door if you don't." Lily said without pausing to take a breath. Her lips pressed in a firm line now.

"Alright…alright." The journalist held her hands up, defeated. "So, you were saying you decided to seek psychiatric help."

"We did, doctor Jonathan Wayne's as I already mentioned. He is a specialist in memory loss treatments." The Manhattan socialite smiled weakly and calmed herself a little.

"Jonathan Wayne" The journalist muttered while writing it down. "How did he help your husband?"

"I think he helped me more than he helped my husband."

"How so?" The journalist asked, her eyes sparkling with curiosity again.

"There's no magic pill or specific treatment for memory loss, no matter how severe your case is, there isn't any medication to take or surgery to go through. All he could do was tr-"

"What I meant is, how did he help you Mrs. Humphrey?" The young lady was not going to give up her inquisition just yet.

"Oh" Lily was taken aback from the journalist's question and nerve. "I'd say He made me see things from a different perspective." She said dismissively, not wanting to give any avoidable detail away.

"Which was?"

"He told me I just needed to stop looking at things as Mrs. Humphrey and start looking at them as Lily. He made me understand that Rufus and I were no longer husband and wife, we were just two complete strangers about to start knowing each other." Lily brought the cup with her not so hot anymore beverage to her lips and took a little sip before continuing. "But at first I didn't want to listen to him. It was hard to admit to myself that things had changed and no matter how hard I was willing to try to bring them back to normal, it was not in my power to succeed." Lily started remembering those particular 2 days and what they had been to her.

"_Serena hi, what are you doing here?" I asked surprised to see my daughter coming in while Rufus and I were having lunch together that day._

"_I just thought I'd wish you guys luck for your doctor's appointment." Serena smiled at me and then at Rufus approaching us at the table._

"_Oh, that's so sweet of you." I got up and kissed her cheek. _

"_Let's hope your luck will give me my memory back." Rufus rinsed his mouth and got up. "I'll go change and then we can go." Rufus said before turning his back on us and leaving the room._

"_Could he be any grumpier?" Serena half smiled setting her handbag on the table._

"_Why don't you try forgetting about the past 20 years or so of your life? I'm sure you'd be delighted by how great it feels." I replied coolly and plopped myself back on the chair I was not long ago sitting in._

"_I didn't mean to…"_

"_Please Serena you never mean a word of what you say. Spare me." I reached across the table and finished my glass of white wine._

"_It's so cute you and Rufus have PMS at the same time." Serena tried to light my mood and I have to admit she scored._

"_I for one can assure you I don't have PMS. Can't speak for Rufus though." I played along making Serena laugh. The wheels in my head started moving right then and suddenly I felt as though my stomach had just fallen to the ground. "I'm sorry, he's been in this crappy mood, for some reason I don't even care about, all morning and he must have infected me too. We're going to make a little detour to Brooklyn before the our appointment with Dr. Wayne, let's hope that will change his mood."_

"_I get it." Serena smiled at me and took my left hand into her perfectly manicured hands. "I was just on my way to Blair's. I'll leave now."_

"_Thanks for dropping by. It was nice of you." I smiled back at her. Trying to look as cool as I could, while my brain was working at such a high speed, I was starting to feel dizzy._

"_Don't mention it." She affectionately squeezed my hand. "Call me when you're done." Grabbing her Bottega Veneta handbag she turned to leave._

"_Of course." I nodded, offering a small smile. Then let out a breath I had no idea I had been holding in. _

"_And mom?" She called while she was making her way to the elevator._

"_Yes?" I sucked some air in at the sound of that word._

"_Don't worry. Men's periods last less than women's." I faked a laugh and watched her leave. I could swear my heart was beating out of my chest at that point. As soon as I heard the well known click of the elevators doors, I grabbed my blackberry, unlocked it and scrolled the menu until I found the calendar. No notes on the months of December. I scrolled back to November. No notes either. I scrolled back to October: a note. On October 30__th__. "Oh my God" I whispered terrified at the thought. "It's December 20__th"__. I had indeed missed my period. I just could not believe I didn't notice it earlier. I've always been very careful and I had been especially in the past 3 months. The doctor had put me on a 6 months break from the pill for I had been taking it for over 10 years straight, and Rufus and I had been very very very careful. There was just no way I could be pregnant. Or was there? My head was in a fog. I had no memory of a time when something went wrong, we weren't teenagers anymore. Whether we used a condom or withdrawal, we knew how to take care of it. Still I had missed my period. I felt a twinge in my stomach. I recognized that feeling right away: panic. I was literally having what could be described as a panic attack. "I cannot be pregnant" I kept repeating to myself, like a mantra. I sat down and looked down at the calendar on my cellphone again, counting this time as I scrolled through the days. 7 weeks had passed from my last period. I cursed under my breath. 7 weeks and I didn't notice a thing. I had been there before, I thought I would be able to recognize early pregnancy symptoms if there was any. I then started combing my body for clues: no breast tenderness, no nausea, no headaches, nothing I could feel or remember of at the moment. Then again this whole Rufus' mess had taken my mind off everything. How was I supposed to remember if I had had a headache or felt some nausea in the past 7 weeks with everything that was going on? My body was undergoing a lot of stress, to put it mildly. I was just late, all that stress was affecting my body more than I thought perhaps. Or was I just fooling myself? How could I be so sure my body was just going through a very nerve-wracking time and not baking a bun in the oven instead? I had to take a test, I needed to take one and quickly. I mentally scanned through all the possibilities I had: homemade pregnancy test, urine test, a Beta-HCG test. As much as I wanted to find out in the shortest amount of time, I really needed to be 100% sure I wasn't pregnant. Or that I was after all. I wasted no time and called my family doctor to get a blood test performed as soon as possible. He told me I could come in the following day. 24h of dreadful waiting ahead of me. I just could not believe I was going through it again. After 19 years. I kept wondering 'what if I am actually pregnant?'. I felt that twinge in my stomach once again. We were not trying to have a baby. Truth be told the thought could not be further from our minds. Neither I or Rufus ever mentioned it to the other. We both knew the question was off the table. I didn't know how I felt at the thought of having another kid, not to mention having another kid at my age and that with a husband who could not even remember when or how we first met. I was filled with jitters. And the worst thing was that the feeling was not unfamiliar to me, at all. I had already gone through a similar situation, 24 years before. But this time was different. I couldn't have turned to Rufus for support even if I wanted to. Whether I liked it or not, I was alone in this. And not by choice this time. _

"Just before our appointment with Dr. Wayne, Rufus remembered something. Which, at least to me, was extraordinary." Lily brought the conversation back on the medical topic. "It filled my heart with hope." She admitted shily.

"And what did he remember exactly?" The journalist asked intrigued, holding her recorder tight.

"We dropped by Rufus' apartment in Brooklyn, He was eager to take a look at it. There's a picture of him on a wall there, he looked at it and assumed I had taken it. What I found amazing is that nobody had told him that before. He knew I took that photo of him. He didn't remember any detail concerning the when or the where, but he knew it was me who had taken it. And that was enough for me to know." Lily smiled a little at the memory.

"_Hey!" Both Jenny and Dan greeted us when we walked into the loft._

"_Hi guys." I tried to sound as excited as they were, but I just failed too busy worrying over my pregnancy scare._

"_Welcome home." Dan's face lit up with a smile when his eyes fixed on his father. I couldn't help but grin too at how affectionate and caring Rufus' children were proving to be. He had been one amazing father to them throughout their lives and you could tell just by looking at them whenever Rufus was around. Sadness took over me at the realization that if I really was pregnant, the child I was carrying would probably never have the luck Jenny and Daniel had had. And that made me wish all the more intensely that I wasn't pregnant. I heard them chatting a little, but was too caught in my own thoughts to actually listen to what they were saying. "Lily? You okay?" Daniel put a hand on my shoulder and shook me out of my reverie. _

"_Yes, sure." I replied nonchalantly. _

"_We'll be right back." He then followed his sister, who was already giving Rufus a tour of the loft. I sat down on the stool before the counter and tried to free my mind from my previous thoughts. I was most probably panicking over nothing anyway. I silently prayed to God I was right. _

"_So?" I asked Rufus as soon as he sat down on the stool on my right._

"_Nothing, everything is new to me here." Rufus sighed heavily taking another look around the loft._

"_Maybe it's still too soon." I tried to cheer him up wondering when that excuse would start wearing thin for him, or me for that matter._

"_Maybe." Rufus conceded._

"_Coffee everyone?" Jenny asked holding a pot of freshly brewed coffee._

"_Actually Rufus and I really have to go right now, we don't want to be late for our doctor's appointment, right?" I turned around and found Rufus staring at the so called iconic Lincoln Hawk picture I had taken over two decades ago. "Rufus?"_

"_Yes. We better go now." He tore his gaze away from the picture and nodded resolutely. _

"_We'll see you later I guess?" Dan said, but I couldn't tell whether it was a question or a plea._

"_Yeah" Rufus shrugged as though he could not care less. And a part of me was really starting to believe he couldn't._

"_Bye Dad" Jenny's cheeks flushed with embarrassment "Err I meant Rufus.". She amended. _

"_Bye Jenny. Dan." _

"_Bye" I said my goodbyes as well and caught with the corner of my eyes Dan circling his sister's shoulders with his arm, giving her what seemed a reassuring squeeze._

"_What were you looking at?" I asked him as soon as we climbed into our town car, He looked captivated by that picture somehow. _

"_There was a picture of myself playing guitar on a stage. It was pretty cool." Rufus replied looking out of the window, amazed by New York and its beauty like a children before a candy shop's window._

"_Yes." I agreed. Rufus then turn his head around and shocked me with his question. "Are you a professional photographer or something?" _

"_What?" I asked utterly bewildered._

"_I don't know if you were or still are a professional photographer, anyway that picture is just amazing, I love it." He shrugged and then set his eyes back on the amazing view of Manhattan from the Brooklyn Bridge._

"_How…" My mind was going blank. What was going on, was he remembering something maybe? My heart couldn't even dare to hope. "How…how do you know I took that picture?"_

"_Why? Didn't you?" Rufus asked coyly._

"_Yes I did, but who told you?" My heartbeats were ringing in my ears. _

"_I don't know, I looked at it and thought you had taken it. I guess I just knew." He didn't even bother to look at me, too occupied with that marvelous sight to notice what he just told me could have changed everything. _

"_So you remember when it was taken? Or where?" I knew I was pressing him, but I just needed to know if for the first time in weeks I could just let my heart truly hope._

"_No." Rufus shook his head._

"_But you remembered I am the one who took the photo." I repeated, trying to let the words sink in._

"_I don't remember you actually taking it or anything, I just felt you were the one who took that picture, that's all." He shrugged "It means nothing." If only he knew how much that meant to me instead._

"_I believe it means a great deal." I asserted looking at him expectantly. _

"_It's not like I had a flashback of you holding a camera. I just looked at it and knew you had taken it." He turned around and looked at me, returning my look with his empty gaze as usual._

"_Yet I think it's a step in the right direction." I replied without breaking our eyes contact._

"_I looked at tons of pictures in the past 7 days and I could not remember anything about where they were taken, when or by who. So it's really not a big deal." And with that he put an end to our conversation. I couldn't help but feel my heart filling with hope. He knew I was the one who took that picture. He could feel it, it was just a matter of time before he would remember everything else. Little by little his memory would have to come back, I had to believe that especially now that there was a possibility I might be pregnant. I needed to clutch onto that hope. Then we could have faced this pregnancy together, like we should have done all those years ago. But I was most definitely not pregnant, It couldn't be. So I shook the thought out of my mind._

"I can see why. Did you tell the doctor what he remembered?"

"Surely we did but, much to my disappointment, he agreed with Rufus. He said Rufus didn't actually remember anything, it was more like an unconscious thought than a memory. And then he went on testing his short term memory and how deep and sever his memory loss was at the moment." Lily gave the journalist more details on their meeting with Dr. Wayne while her memory went straight back to what the doctor had told her afterwards.

"_Mrs. Humphrey may I talk to you for a moment?" Dr. Wayne asked me at the end of our session._

"_Of course." I nodded my head, trying to mask my concern._

"_Mr. Humphrey will you give us a minute?"_

"_Sure." Rufus got up and left the room, leaving the two of us alone._

"_Mrs. Humphrey I'll get straight to the point." He set his expensive pen down on the desk and looked up at me. "Give up your expectations of him." _

"_Wha-What do you mean?" My breath caught in my chest. I felt like I had just hit a brick wall. _

"_I mean you have got to stop dragging him into your world. You're the one who has to enter his world right now, not the other way around. He's confused, lost, paralyzed by the idea he's going to live a life he never chose, he never built for himself. Do you understand what I'm saying here?" _

"_Yes." I nodded trying to absorb his message. _

"_I'll be straightforward with you Mrs. Humphrey. Rufus has been dealing with this memory loss for almost a month now and he made no progress whatsoever." He pointed out harshly. _

"_That's not exactly correct. He remembered I took that picture of him this morning. I already told you." I disagreed with him. "That's something."_

"_It could be something, but it could also be nothing. I cannot tell you when and most importantly if your husband is going to get his memory back." Now that was brand new information._

"_What are you trying to say?" I asked shifting in my chair uncomfortably._

"_What I am trying to say is that maybe taking into account the worst case scenario might be useful at this point. Don't take for granted this condition as temporary, because it might be permanent. And neither I nor you can predict how this is going to evolve." I let the words sink in for a moment before I could set in motion my plan of attack._

"_So you're telling me I should give up on hope and accept the fact I'm never getting Rufus back?" I stopped to catch my breath " I don't understand. Doctors in Colorado said it was a temporary condition. I thought you could help us." And I really did. He was the best in Manhattan. Maybe not so much after all I thought to myself._

"_And I am helping you here Mrs. Humphrey. I just can't wave my magic wand over Rufus' head and make him regain his memory. Therefore you might as well try and get past this, building your life together from scratch. Step foot into his new world. Explore it with him. Stand by him. Support him. You'll see things will be a whole lot easier then." That man had so nerve to talk to me like that, as if I was stupid or totally oblivious of the situation we were in._

"_I should just accept the fact my husband, who doesn't even remember when, where or why we got together, is a different person and live with that for the rest of my life? His kids should accept they've lost their father and just get over it? Is that your great advice?" I raised my voice, my words filled with astonishment._

"_No, is not. I am trying to prepare you for the worst because Mrs. Humphrey, in all honesty, Rufus is not doing that well with this whole temporary memory loss thing. And you suffocating him and trying to mould him into a person he's not is all contributory to his slow recovery."_

"_So, now I get the blame?" I was appalled. "This is just insane" I shook my head and got up in order to leave. _

"_No, you don't get the blame. But you're not helping him either." The doctor got on his feet as well._

"_I am trying my very hardest to help him." I pierced him with my eyes, angry as I could ever be being blamed for all of it._

"_No, you're desperately trying to get him back. And to do that you're controlling his every move. Did you notice you almost answered every question I directed to Rufus before the poor man could even formulate an answer? You're suffocating him." His tone more calm and condescending._

"_I will not tolerate such accusations from you" I said indignantly, tightening the grip around my bad fighting the urge to throw it at him. How dare he blame me of suffocating my husband? If there was somebody suffocating here that was me, under a huge baby blanket that was hanging on my head like the sword of Damocles._

"_I know it's hard for you, I do. But you won't get him back unless you let go of the image and memory of the person you love and start to know this new person standing right before your eyes." He tried to reason with me._

"_I don't want to let him go. I want him back." I said rather honestly. I blew out a breath and then tried to play it cool by tucking some lose hair behind my ear, embarrassed by my little confession._

"_Let him go. You either do that or you're gonna lose him for good. Think about it." The doctor said slowly, almost in a delicate manner._

"_What if he never recovers? What if he doesn't come back to me after I let him go?" I tentatively asked after a minute of intense staring into space._

"_I don't have an answer to these questions for you Mrs. Humphrey." He shrugged his shoulder feebly. _

"_Thank you Dr. Wayne." I woke up from the momentary trance I had fallen into and held my hand out to shake his._

"_I'll see you after the holidays." He took my hand and shook it politely._

"_Err…yes sure." I nodded carelessly and left the room hastily, as if I was running out of oxygen in there._

"And how did that realization make you feel?" The journalist asked knowing she would get an answer out of her this time.

"Lonesome." Lillian replied looking away at the painful memory of the events that came one after the other in those two days.

"_He's here!" I clapped my hands excited the next day around brunch time. I had sneaked out of the house early that morning to go to my doctor's office and finally get the blood test over and done with. _

"_Who?" Rufus asked bewildered. _

"_It's a surprise." I winked at him before getting up to greet our guest._

"_Hello everybody." Eric walked in with a huge smile plastered on his face._

"_Eric?" Jenny mouth dropped open in disbelief. "Oh my God!" She ran towards him and literally jumped on him, causing them both to fall to the floor. "I missed you so much!" She enfolded him in her arms tightly. _

"_I missed you too J." Eric kissed her cheek and then got up from the floor. _

"_Ok, time for a little mommy love." I barged in extending my arms to Eric._

"_Hi." He whispered in my ear before abandoning himself in my arms._

"_Hi honey." I held him close to me. "It's so nice to have you back home." I kissed his head and broke the hug holding him at arm's length._

"_There's nowhere I'd rather be right now. I missed you mom." He said with such honesty, my heart could have melt. "You have no idea how much I missed you." I then passed my arm around his shoulder and kiss my baby once more, before letting him go to greet Daniel._

"_Hey Eric." Dan playfully hit his arm with his fist._

"_Hi Dan." Eric swatted his arm and then they hugged each other out._

"_It's good to see you again." Dan said patting his back lightly._

"_Likewise."_

"_Rufus, this is Eric. My son." I introduced Eric to Rufus, as though they were meeting each other for the first time in their lives. _

"_Nice to meet you." Rufus extended his right hand. Eric hesitantly copied him and shook his hand in return. I rubbed his back in circle reassuringly. I knew that introduction weirded him out, but we had to take things slow with Rufus._

"_How you doing?" He asked him shoving his hands in the pockets of his jeans trying to hide his discomfort._

"_I'm doing good thanks." Rufus said without even giving him a second look._

"_When are they planning to free your leg from that thing?" Eric made another effort to start a conversation with him._

"_In about a month more or less." Rufus answered uninterestedly. _

"_Good." Eric tried to smile. "Does it tickle? I broke my elbow and that plaster thing tickled so much! It was torture."_

"_Yeah" Rufus nodded slightly. And then sighed, obviously bored God only knows by what. We all fell in an awkward silence, interrupted shortly after by my daughter's entrance. _

"_I know, I know. I'm late, don't say a word mom. I'm sorry everyb-ERIC?" Serena stopped in her tracks when she spied her brother standing in the middle of the room "Oh my Gosh!" She squealed.  
>"Surprise!" Eric hollered, offering his sister his megawatt smile.<br>"Hi Sarah-Lawrence freshman!" Serena walked as fast as her high heels would let her to welcome her brother back home. "I cannot believe you're here. We weren't expecting you until Thursday." She looked up at me and grinned that gorgeous smile of hers and just then, the sight of my two children so happy to see each other brought tears to my eyes. I reflexively brought my right hand to my tummy and softly brushed it a little with my thumb. I had done a good job with raising Eric and Serena by myself after all, I could have done that again._

"_Mom and I wanted to surprise you all." Eric explained after she broke the hug._

"_And you did." She engulfed her little brother in her arms again. "Awww I'm so happy you're home." _

"_So am I." Eric tightened the hold around his big sister and I hugged myself beaming at the two of them. Yes, if it'd come to it, I could have done it again. No question. It would be well worthwhile. _

_As I was walking downstairs later that day to make some tea I heard Rufus and Eric talking in the living room and stopped halfway down. Eavesdropping was wrong, but It wouldn't have hurt anybody I thought. I was just curious to hear what they were chatting about since they didn't exactly hit off well._

"_You gave us all quite the scare." I heard Eric say._

"_So I've heard." Was Rufus' reply. _

"_Listen, I know it must be weird for you and it is for us too, believe me. But I am 100% sure you'll get your memory back. We'll do whatever it takes."_

"_Thank you."_

"_I missed being home, with all of you." _

"_There's no place like home or so they say." I didn't get used to the coldness emanating from Rufus' voice yet. It was unsettling on so many levels. _

"_It's true. I thought it would be easier to leave the nest and be on my own, but it isn't really. I miss being around you guys." I felt my heart warming at my son's words. I had missed not having him home too. Empty nest syndrome struck about 12h after his departure I recall correctly._

"_You make it look like you're all a big happy family." Rufus pointed out like there was some pretending behind it._

"_We've had our ups and our downs through the years, but we have each other's back."_

"_If you don't mind my asking, did it ever bother you to have me as your step father? I mean your dad must-"_

"_My dad and I are not very close." Eric didn't let Rufus finish his sentence. And I could hear the change of tone in his voice, from soft and kind to stiff and uncaring._

"_Oh, I'm sorry I couldn't know." Rufus quickly apologized._

"_He left when I was very very young, as a result Serena and I haven't really forged a bond with him. He was never around. You are the closest thing to a father Serena and I have ever had." I closed my eyes thinking of Williams and of the hundreds of times he had let my babies down. He hurt them so much and they were so little, they didn't deserve all that pain much less handle it at such a young age._

"_Really?" Rufus's voice shook those bad memories out of my mind._

"_My sister and I haven't had the happiest childhood. I'm sure my mother tried her best to be both a mom and a dad to us, but frankly? She failed. I didn't know what having a father meant and for a long time I hadn't had the slightest idea of what having a mother was like. But then things changed and my mom finally started acting like a real mother and that's all because she married you. I know what having real parents means now, thanks to you." As endearing as the words Eric spoke were, they stubbed me right in the chest. I internally cursed myself, eavesdroppers hear no good about themselves for real I thought._

"_You're giving me too much credit."_

"_No, It's the plain truth."_

"_Well I guess I have to thank you for your kind words." Rufus did sound like a robot of some sorts, absolutely untouched by my son's kind words._

"_I just want you to know, even though we don't share the same blood, you're like a father to me. As far as I'm concerned you're my dad." I looked up trying to fight back tears. Eric was right. Rufus was their dad, he would always be. And it was cruel that my children were being deprived of their father once again in their short lives._

"_Thank you Eric." I sat on the stairs for a little while the two of them went on chatting. It was the first time Rufus was actually opening up to a member of his family, our conversation never lasted more than 5 minutes in total. He was so reticent and reluctant to the rest of us I was really amazed that, in less than a day, Eric had already accomplished what had been my goal for weeks. My mind then went back to the issue that had kept me awake the previous night. The potential pregnancy. I was going to get my results within hours now, or so the doctor had said earlier that day. I could not wait any longer. And after hearing, or better eavesdropping, Eric's little speech all the confidence and positivity I had gained in prior to it magically disappeared. I hadn't been a good mother to my children in the past. I wouldn't have won the mother of the year award even if I tried to bribe my way into it. And without Rufus by my side history would have repeat itself. Just the thought was frightening enough for me, I couldn't have borne up the real thing without him by my side. It was true, Eric was absolutely right, Rufus had showed me what being a good mother to my children consisted of and in spite of all I had managed to screw things up a couple of times here and there during our marriage too. How was I supposed to raise a kid, at my age, without his help and support? It was not possible. I couldn't even think of going through the pregnancy months alone without him, not to mention dealing with the aftermath. Panic started taking over me again. If I was indeed pregnant I would have had to face it all by myself. Again. And I couldn't bring myself to do it. I just could not go through it without him again. I did it once with Scott and it was enough. No more. I had to tell him, I needed to. Whether he remembered it or not, He was just as involved in this as I was and he was going to face the consequences with me, together. And who knows, maybe he would get his memory back soon and everything would be just fine. If he came back to me we could deal with this together, as we were supposed to the first time around. Maybe a baby could bring him back from wherever that accident had exiled him to. He once had told me all he knew was how to be a father, that that was who he was. It was part of his being, he couldn't have forgotten that. He couldn't have erased that from his memory, could he? I was getting a headache out of all that overthinking, so I got up and made my way downstairs._

"_Hey guys." I smiled at my two favorite boys in the whole wide world. "Tea?" I asked once I got behind the kitchen counter._

"_Thanks mom, but actually I was on my way out to see some friends from St. Jude's. I'll see you later for dinner?"_

"_Of course my darling. Have fun." I grinned at my son who was starting to look more like a man as months went by._

"_Thanks." He waved at me and Rufus and then left._

"_Your son is a great kid." Rufus stated as soon as Eric was out of sight._

"_He is." I nodded and smiled fondly. _

"_You did a good job with him. He told me about your ex-husband." Rufus filled me in unaware of the fact I had a clear picture of their little talk._

"_Which one of the 4?" I joked while filling the pot with water._

"_You've been married 4 times?" Rufus was shocked and amused at the same time by my revelation. _

"_5 including our marriage." I clarified entertained myself by his expression. _

"_Wow." He exhaled. _

"_What can I say? I tested the waters." I stated wondering when I would start to feel tired of all the faking laughter and forcing smiles thing. I didn't really know how to put it and I knew he wouldn't have understood anyway. Not even when his memory was in full force did Rufus understand why I had been married so many times. _

"_Surely sounds like it." He joked for the first time since he opened his eyes in that hospital. It truly warmed my heart to see that smirk on his face and hearing that laugh. God I had missed that sound so much!_

"_I married William because I was heartbroken, over you, and he loved me enough to make me happy, or so I thought. We had 2 beautiful children together and I regret nothing." I tried to explain to him why it had taken me 20 years to understand he was the only one for me. But I felt as though I was trying to talk to a deaf person._

"_You don't have to warrant your actions to me Lily." He said almost defensively. _

_I nodded realizing in that moment I was not ready yet to tell Rufus about our history together, let alone opening up on my previous marriages. It was hard for me to describe to him what my feelings for him were, because he had always known how I felt, I never had to explain it to him. All we needed to do to know what the other was feeling was looking into each other's eyes. Our eyes met and it all appeared clear to us. Or at least it used to be so. I collected all the strength I had left in me and said "Rufus….maybe we should talk about something."_

"_I agree, in fact I wanted to talk to you too." He took me by surprised._

"_Oh, good. You go first." I said as I turned the stove on._

"_I think I want to move to the loft." He said looking away._

"_I'm sorry?" I asked stunned, now that surely fell under the definition of 'surprise', of the unpleasant kind though._

"_I want to move to the loft." He repeated, his voice more firm and certain this time. _

"_May I ask you why?" Blood was boiling in my veins. How could he even think of moving out?_

"_I just feel more comfortable there is all. When we went there yesterday I don't know…I felt at home for some weird reason and It felt good." Rufus shrugged, like it wasn't a big deal to him._

"_Is it because of me? Or something I said or did?" I actually started to believe I was the problem. He had talked for almost 30min with Eric and it never spent as much time talking to me, after all. Maybe I had become the enemy, the doctor was right. I was suffocating him._

"_No. I mean not entirely. I felt at home there. Maybe it's because I lived there for years. But I really felt at home there, with Dan and Jenny. And when I talked to them about it, they agreed it would be fine if I moved back in, with them."_

"_Of course" I stated matter of factly. "And you don't feel at home here. With me." I said more to myself than to him._

"_I don't." He shrugged apologetically. "Also you heard what the doctor said today. I could get my memory back in a very near future or I could never get it back. I want to start to know my children just in case the latter becomes true."_

"_So this is all about you and your children." I was hurt. It hurt he cared enough about Dan and Jenny and so little about the rest of us, especially me._

"_I'm just trying to adjust to the idea of having a family to take care of." Rufus began his rant. "You can't put all the weight on my shoulders Lily, It's not fair to me. Your son said all these wonderful things about me and I began to feel guilty. And you know why? Because I can't be what I used to be to him. I can't play the daddy role for your children too right now. It's too much. I can't do this. I don't know how to be a father, let alone dealing with kids I have no connection whatsoever to. And I should not feel guilty about it, the doctor's right. It's not my fault, therefore I should not be feeling guilty about my memory loss." Our eyes met for a brief moment before I looked away. "But you make me feel like I should. You all do. And I do feel guilt-ridden all of a sudden. And It's not fair, It's not fair at all." I was intently listening to him, but I was too mad at him then to fully understand his cry for help. "Lily I became a husband and a father all at once. I need to learn how to walk before starting to run. And Jenny and Dan need me more than you and your kids do. Their mother doesn't even live here, I am all they have. I can't leave them fatherless too."_

"_Fatherless...nice choice of words." I mumbled, shaking my head in disbelief._

"_You'll be fine. And who knows maybe I'll get my memory back just by spending some time in my home." He was trying to make me see the bright side of his moving out, but there was none to me._

"_Your home? This is your home Rufus, this is our home!" I yelled, unable to keep my cool anymore. I was so angry with him. How could I even think to share with him the news of my possible pregnancy? I was such a fool. The man before my eyes wasn't my husband anymore. The doctor was right, he was oh so right._

"_No as far as I know this is your house. I'm just living here." Rufus replied before losing it too. "For Christ's sake my children don't even live here! I know nothing about you and remember nothing of this picture perfect family you, your son and your daughter keep talking about, alright? Why can't you at least make the effort to understand? It's not easy for me. I'm living somebody else's life goddammit!" He paused for a moment, his breath heavy and uneven. "Lily I'm not asking for your consent. I'm moving. Tomorrow."_

"_Whatever makes you happy." I waved my hand carelessly and proceeded to finish the preparation of my tea. He took his crutches and slowly made his way out of the room leaving me alone with a broken heart. I didn't have the time to process what had just happened for my phone started ringing a moment after. I picked it up without even caring to look at the caller ID. "Hello?"_

"_Lily Humphrey?" The voice of a woman I couldn't seem to recognize asked._

"_Yes, this is she."_

"_It's Dr. Richards' office here." I stood still, frozen._

"_Oh, hello." I said, feeling my heart ponding in my chest unsteadily. _

"_Hi. I've got your results here. You asked us to call you whenever they came in. I just called to let you know you can come by tomorrow and get them." The woman on the other end of the phone said._

"_Tomorrow?" I couldn't have waited another day. There was just no way I could have waited that long without going literally crazy. "Uhm…can't you just tell me the results on the phone? I don't think I can wait any longer." _

"_There are privacy regulations. I'm just an assistant, I'm not allowed to disclose such information, especially over the phone Mrs. Humphrey." The woman denoted. _

"_May I speak to Dr. Richards then?" I said frustrated._

"_He already left. I'm sorry" That's just my luck I thought to myself._

"_I just need to know what the results are, It's very important. Please." I pleaded shamelessly._

"_You're gonna get me in serious trouble if I do Mrs. Humphrey."_

"_I will personally make sure that that doesn't happen, trust me. Now please tell me what the results are." I congratulated myself for working my magic on the woman, before falling into panic mode at once._

"_Alright, but just remember you asked me to do this, okay?"_

"_Yes, yes. Don't you worry." I urged her._

"_Okay then." Less than 10sec passed but I felt as though years had already gone by. I tightened the hold around my blackberry scared I would let him fall once the news was out. "Your HCG levels look pretty normal here Mrs. Humphrey." She said._

"_So…It's…."_

"_It's negative." The woman simplified. _

"_It's negative." I repeated before letting out a breath._

"_Yes, you're not pregnant." She added._

"_Is it 100% sure? There's no margin for error?" I asked just to be sure. _

"_I'm afraid there isn't."_

"_Well…thank you so much." I said, eager to just end that call._

"_You're very welcome."_

"_I'll see you tomorrow anyway I guess." _

"_Of course. Have a nice evening."_

"_You too. Bye" I clicked the call off and sat my phone on the counter. I looked around me and for a brief moment I felt lost, like I hadn't lived there for most of my life. As I moved to the stairs I felt my legs getting heavier and heavier with every step. Strength was somehow deserting my body. I walked into my bedroom and sat down on my bed. The words of that assistant echoing in the room. It's negative. It was negative. I was not pregnant. I felt my stomach twisting and turning so I ran into the bathroom to empty its contents. That must have been the way my body was using to get rid of all the tension and anxiety of the past 36 hours. I rinsed off my mouth with the back of my hand once I was done and got up. The room suddenly started spinning around me, so I leaned my arms on the sink to keep my balance. I washed my hands and then my face, but I felt like all the strength in my body was being consumed at once so I closed my eyes and took a big breath, trying to calm myself down a little. "It's negative" I repeated under my breath, almost in a whisper as if somebody could overhear me. And I wanted to protect that precious little secret of mine, actually I was almost jealous of it, of that secret that had been mine for so little and was never going to be anyone else's. I wanted to feel relieved by the results of the test. I really did want to. But I just couldn't bring myself to do that. I knew the time was wrong and that it was totally unexpected and that probably we were not ready for it, but I couldn't feel relieved about it. I was not relieved I wasn't pregnant with Rufus' child. As hard as it was for me to admit it, even to myself, I was ready for it. I was ready to face that possibility. Rufus wasn't, but I was. I became ready the moment I noticed I had missed my period, when you're a woman it comes with the territory. And I wasn't just a woman…I was also a mother and as scared and freaked out as I was at the thought of having another kid I would have never denied myself the chance of living that wonderful experience again. I had already made that mistake once before, I was not going to repeat it. I was ready for it, terrified, utterly shocked and undoubtedly unprepared, but ready to go through it all over again. I was silently begging myself to feel relief, to let out a big breath and just feel glad it turned out to be negative. But I looked into the mirror instead and saw tears forming in my eyes. I shut them trying to keep tears in, but my eyelids failed at working as borders. I couldn't help but feel like I had lost my very last connection to Rufus. And I knew he wasn't my Rufus anymore and I knew that that annoying doctor spoke the truth, but no matter how distant he was now from the man he used to be, our baby would have been the product of our love, of what we shared or had shared. As excruciating as the thought was, a baby could have knocked down the barriers that were keeping us apart. I knew it in my heart. And unconsciously that thought in the past 48h had become my only hope. I had made of that possibility of carrying a child, the key to open the door that fate had shut right to my face. I was ready for it, if that was what it would take to have my Rufus back, I think very deep inside of me I almost desired it. And that made me mad. I was so mad. Mad at myself for being such a careless and unkind mother to Eric and Serena and mad at Rufus for giving up on us like that, for leaving me alone to deal with all of this. Again. But, looking back, I know what I was most upset about: I was literally hating myself for letting my heart hope that things could get better, that there was a teeny tiny chance that I would get my husband back, in some odd twisted way. I silently promised myself I would have never let that happen again as I looked at my reflection in the mirror, tears were streaming down my face in slow motion. I wiped a couple away with my fingertips and regained my composure. It was time to let him be. I was not in control anymore. No I never was in control of the situation really. He had the right to get back to his life or to start fresh with it on his own terms and I could not interfere with it anymore. I wasn't left with much of a choice anyway. Rufus was going to move to the loft and I was going to be left alone, with an empty house and an empty shell of myself. Tears started welling up in my eyes again at the thought of the little life that could have made everything better, even fixed it all, or maybe just given me the chance to make amends for all my previous wrongs. Little did I know until that moment how much I wanted to be pregnant. For the wrong reasons perhaps, but I could hear a voice within telling me that that desire itself could not be so wrong, that I probably had a right to hold tight to it. I dragged myself to bed and crawled into it. I wasn't in control of anything anymore, not even myself it appears since I had lied to myself when I kept praying I wasn't pregnant in the past 2 days and was now damning myself for it being true. I had driven Rufus away. I had probably lost Rufus before the events of that day, but for sure I had lost every hope to go back to what our life used to be that night. Lost myself I looked around that room, our room, one last time before my eyelids granted me permission to find refuge in my sleep._

"And empty." Lily added shivering at the memory of that cold December night, when there were no tears left to cry for Rufus, no air left in her lungs to yell at him, no strength left in her body to stand on her feet and run after him or stop him, no life inside of her to make her want to carry on with her own life.


End file.
